Brought Up To Be On Guard

I've received homework from the Lotus Pond-- not just working on my personal practice but extending my heart out to all those around me with five random acts of kindness.

When I see videos like this, it makes me really want to get out there and do something similar. 

I've been brought up to be so fearful for myself-- that the world cannot be trusted; it's very difficult to find and embrace opportunities to help someone out in need. Fear that I will be hurt or taken advantage of bubbles up in my mind and I become overly logical. Oh, they probably have someone coming to help them. They might kidnap me. They are not in danger; they are probably just trying to take advantage of others.

I want so badly to reach out and help those in need but... I'm held back. 

I'm going to keep trying.

Semicolon

From xaik-, deviantArt

It was more than I could have ever hoped for...

The anxiety and fear of the past three years thrummed in my thoughts but I made sure to come just as I was asked: hopeful and open-hearted. I was greeted much the same by all those who are joining me on this journey. Surrounded by honest smiles, curious eyes, and open hearts, I began to think that this training program is going to be good.

We were moved to another, bigger room, where we all picked spots... then something miraculous happened. We were told to stand and breathe, shake off whatever baggage we acquired during the day. It was as if I had stepped back in time into my first yoga class. We did a few motions and brief breathing exercises and then, suddenly, I realized I belonged there. Then we were asked to explain how we were feeling in one word. I went first: "Happy."

From there I felt more and more connections with the people in the room. I know so little about the others but as the same time, I know all I need to know: we have embarked on a journey, and we are taking the voyage together. 

There was so much that happened, so much I felt in this one two-hour session just talking and discovering. I had thought I reached my maximum of happiness until they read quotes from some of the application essays submitted. Is this one mine? What did I write? 

So many voices, so much hope and longing for peace... these beautiful people were in very much the same spot as me-- wanting to find peace, help others, and find out more about themselves. 

Then they read the words I had written with three years of stored hope

     "The depression didn't go away but, when I started to do my morning yoga, I felt like I was opening my eyes and my lungs again. I began to find myself once more. I kept waking up and getting on the mat, knowing I was the only one who could pull myself up. With the love and help of family and friends I made myself again. I found my peace again."

And as I opened the file of my application, I realize that more than one of the quotes read off was mine. The other was: 

     "To me, yoga is the peace that comes with breath and physical exhaustion. Yoga is the peace that comes with realizing you just need to be present."

In the end it really doesn't matter if the quotes were mine or if none of them were mine; what does matter is that I found myself in each person I'm about to share this journey with.

It's Friday-- A Whole New Meaning

I start tonight and I am feeling so many emotions. Of course, I feel anxious about the mundane thoughts of Will my boss let me off early to get to the studio with ample time? Will yogurt be okay to eat before tonight? Should I wear yoga clothes tonight? I should have tried harder to get a refill on my inhaler earlier this week...
Then I think of deeper questions. Will I make connections with the people I share my training with? Will they want to make connections with me? Will my body be able to do what I need it to do? Will this matter? It matters to me.
As humans we are afraid of the unknown and this is relatively new territory for me.
Among all these questions and scattered thoughts, I am very excited. I find every now and then I yearn for a big change. Every time I have embraced change, it has pushed me out of my comfort zone but allowed me to find deeper happiness.
I have many hopes going into this program but I know that much of what happens is up to me. This is the type of program where I am in control and it's scary. I'm excited.