Tears Are Release

I'm going to be entirely honest and just admit that these past two weeks haven't been the greatest for mine and Alex's fitness challenge (i.e. Race to abs). There have been numerous days where I haven't been in right mind... I don't know what happened but I've been struggling with some form of depression. Now I have no good reason to be in this state. Alex makes me so happy, I live comfortably, and while my friends and family are all distant, I know they care for me. Usually what I call a case of the blahs only lasts a day at most but this... It lasted longer and I kept feeling like I was falling in. Like I was being sucked into nothingness... And since the first step of getting over your fears is to admit them, I admit that I'm afraid of feeling nothing: of death. It's a legitimate fear but it is one that you can't blame me for neglecting to bring up. I thought if I kept pushing it away it would go away but instead it clamped on and I have been feeling so heavy.

Alex is wonderful and just being with him has been helping. It's possible that these feelings have been brought on by lack of significant interaction. We have both been so busy with work and school that it's been tough to get quality time. 

One night when he thought I was irritated with him I apologized and started crying because I wasn't mad at him; I was drowning in my own thoughts of nothingness. A hug is a truly powerful thing and tears... Tears are such release. Tears aren't weakness; they take off some of the weight of our sorrows. Like a juice bag, if you stomp hard on it, it will explode but if you gently snip the corners it will flow out, the bag emptied but still structured enough to hold air.

After that, I noticed as soon as I just started being more and listed what I value, I started to come up out of the water. I got into Pokemon with him and two of our friends and the silly simple card game has helped. With a new game comes questions and opportunities to discuss and play together.

Another thing that has helped was an article by Erica, an Elephant Journal writer I have grown fond of. It was a repost of what she believed was one of her best ones: an article about what she would say to her 22 year-old self. It was so powerful and struck me so much that I was brought to tears. "I'm 22," I told myself. I have the choice to make my life how I want it. The right now is happening and I don't want to waste another moment worrying about something that is not present. I don't want to waste any of the precious time I have here with Alex and the world. I want to truly live.
So please accept my apology, whoever you are reading this post; I will do my best to keep moving forward with this Race to Abs challenge and update you on this as well as other endeavors. No measurements for last week but I will make sure to get them up this week. I'm thinking I'll do them earlier since Thursdays are so busy. We shall see how it goes. I've probably gained some weight. Going to confections and sweet treats for comfort along with not going to the gym don't help. Yoga helps a little since I've changed up my music.
Monotony is dangerous. So is loneliness.

I hope everyone is staying warm and that you enjoy the sunshine every moment you can.
Namaste.

Happy Heart Day

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! The day most people celebrate by stuffing their faces with chocolate and goodies. I am usually one of those people. The past years have proven that I am and always will be a chocoholic but this year shows that I can control my urge to eat sweets and treats. I also appreciate the goodies I do get more so. Why yes, I can just have one cookie (if home made).
This year for Valentine's Day I worked but I also handed out some S'more Cupcakes to my coworkers and baked my tried and true peanut butter chocolate chip cookies for friends. I also made red velvet cheesecake brownies. I'm pretty excited about that one; it's the first time I've ever made brownies from scratch. Alex was super excited when I told him that was his v-day treat.

Tomorrow? I get a day full of surprise. Alex is taking me I don't know where and giving me a gift in addition to the one I already received earlier this week (Frozen Soundtrack! ^_^).

Alright now about this fitness business. Still going well, just had a bit of a shlump week with my mood. I think I just need more interaction with people. It's tough working all the time when Alex is off work and being at home when he's at work. I try to keep busy but busy isn't enough, I need conversation. So my mood made me half-ass a couple things this week but not much. I went to a "Power Yoga" class but was a bit bummed when it was subbed by someone who basically just taught it like it was stretching and never once mentioned breathing as part of the poses.

This week my measurements are:

39.5" shoulders
9" biceps
33" chest
29.75" under-bust
26.75" waist
36.75" hips
37.25" butt
21.75" thighs
14" calves

Oh the joy of fluctuation and being a girl.

Stilettos

I have seen the light. I now understand why women spend such exuberant amounts on high heels. I recently purchased a pair of BCBG stiletto shoes from Ross for about $60 and they are the most comfortable heels my feet have ever experienced. Walking is entirely possible though I imagine the feeling of walking in them is similar to the first time a baby giraffe really figures out how to walk. I certainly feel like a giraffe in them! Luckily Alex is quite a tall guy; he remains taller than me when i wear these.
Now that I think of it, these are the highest heels I've ever worn. My Vera Wang's are pretty high but those have the hidden platform. These heels are a setup similar to calf raises-- and at the end of the night I feel like my calves had a workout!
I'm not saying that I will buy more expensive shoes but I am saying that buying the pricier heel that will not only last longer but provide as much comfort possible from a high heel is indeed worth it.

All You Need Is Love and Friendship

Here Is Your Moment, Breathe In... Breathe Out... It's Gone

Tonight you don't get to see a picture of me. I took my measurements this morning and I just finished laundry so the only excuse I have for not taking a picture for this week is being busy and slightly lazy. This week I incorporated weighted ab exercises and I actually like them-- they make my sit-ups easier and I can feel the muscles there whenever I'm active. I like it. I like feeling the changes in my body-- something that wasn't welcomed during puberty.
Since I don't have my own original photo to share, I've shared the one above because it is one of the moved re-pinned ones on my Pinterest. It's very simple but says something peaceful yet adventurous. I don't say adventurous because she more than likely has no bikini top on; I say it because the calm world around her and her open arms suggest it. When we open ourselves to the world around us, anything can happen. If we close ourselves off and allow our fears to take over our decisions and our life then we have no adventure and not much else to call a life.
Yoga has taught me so much and there will always be so much to learn but right now I feel it's just time... time is something to be embraced because once we spend this particular moment or that particular second, it's gone. In my undergrad at FSU I took a literature class with Timothy Parrish. I did my best to keep up with the readings and contribute to class discussion but what I found was most important was listening. When I listened closely in this class, I found my own words being voiced by others. We all understand that time is not something that can be grasped; the moment we say we are in the moment, that moment is over. With yoga I am in the moment but also transcending it because I do not limit it to itself. I realize that while we cannot grasp a moment, we can take advantage of now.
I've been having a hard time lately just really focusing myself on school work. I want to be active and do stuff; I don't want to be confined to sitting down and reading materials unless I am able to immerse myself (it doesn't happen often other than with Disney Infinity and a really good book). I really want to go out and do more but I know I also need to work on disciplining my mind. I need to be able to focus on something, while being mentally present, without having a panic attack that I'm not doing anything.
I can do this. I know I can. I just have to keep trying.

So enough of my shpealishness, my measurements this week are:

39.25" shoulders
9.25" biceps
31.75" chest
29.25" underbust
26.75" waist
36.25" hips
36.75" butt
21.75" thighs
13.5" calves

Still going strong with my workouts. I haven't been able to squeeze in weights more than twice a week but I'm doing my best to be active every day. I really have to become more strict with everything though. My bridesmaid dress for my brother's wedding will be here the month of June, the deadline for the Race to Abs, so I have another reason to keep in top shape.

I hope all of you are doing well and you're going strong with your goals.

Namaste.

This May Be the Best Thing I've Ever Made

Ingredients:
About four cups dry black beans cooked and liquid kept
5 roma tomatoes (pureed, blended, or chopped as small as possible)
3/4 medium red onion (pureed, blended, or chopped as small as possible)
1/2 red bell pepper (pureed, or etc.)
1/2 hot red pepper of your choice (pureed, etc.)
4 big garlic cloves (pureed, etc.)

I got happy with my Kitchenaid tool that i got from my wonderful older brother for Christmas.

1/2 a package of MorningStar fake beef crumbles
1 Tbsp chili power
1 Tbsp cumin
pinch of cayenne pepper
tsp black pepper
3 Tbsp salt
canola oil
water

I'm going to let you know right now that this dish takes quite a while to make; it's one you'll be nursing for nearly the entire afternoon but, trust me, it'll be worth it. What chili dish that takes the afternoon isn't worth it?
To make this magnificent pot of deliciousness, you start with the very essence of the dish: the beans. Soak them over night for at least 8 hours (if you have noticed issues with excessive gas from chili before, try changing the soaking water at least once within the 8 hour soaking period).
Drain and rinse the beans, discarding any randoms that look abnormal.
Place in a large pot (that has a matching lid) with water-- enough to submerge all the beans beneath about an inch of water. Set the water to boil then lower to a hot simmer and mostly cover with the lid (I mean leave it cracked). Keep it at the simmer for at least 1 1/2 hours.
It's best to set a timer and forget about it for a while but if you're worried you didn't put enough water, check on it every twenty minutes or so to make sure you don't lose all your water.
Then, when that timer finishes, head back to the kitchen to work on your vegetable prep work. Do not turn off your beans, just lower the heat. If you don't have a fancy tool like me for the prep work, just choose one of the other options. The most important thing is to get everything small enough to create the thick texture of the final product.
Then when your prep work is done, cook on low heat with oil: your onions, peppers (hot and red), and garlic in a medium pot or pan. Add in the 1/2 to 3/4 bag of Morningstar crumbles (frozen or thawed) and let cook with the veggies for no more than five minutes. You may need to add more oil. Turn off heat after heated throughout.
Now, turn back to your beans. Drain out liquid ONLY IF the liquid exceeds a level more than 1/4 an inch above the beans.
Add the butchered tomatoes, your veggie-fake-crumble mix, and spices to the pot. Mix everything in, continue to cook for twenty minutes on low, with lid fully on.
Add a pinch of cinnamon when it's done if you like even more of a smokey flavor (I didn't add it though).
Let the pot sit for at least fifteen minutes so that way you'll actually be able to eat it in your bowl.
Pair with rice or just enjoy by itself.

Le gasp! Undies!

So, if you recall, there was a complete scandal the last time I posted a picture of myself in underwear but life is just too short to always wear clothes in the privacy of your own apartment (or at least everyone has a laundry day). So, BEHOLD! My underwear! And my abs in progress. The changes are not too visibly obvious but I'm feeling stronger and more full of energy (before 8 PM). My gym routine is going well though my idea of getting a gym buddy hasn't quite worked out how I would've liked but I guess it's normal for strangers to have difficulties making commitments. I carry on.

This week's numbers are:

39.50" shoulders

34" chest

29.5" underbust (I took these measurements in the morning so I don't have any food in my belly or much water weight).

9.15" biceps

26" waist

31" belly button

36.25" hips

37.25" butt

21.5" thighs

13.75" calves

I promised you guys a post with the recipe to my awesome vegan chili and I will indeed get to it. My goal is to have it up tomorrow night and I'll be sure to share it on FB the moment I complete it. I promise it'll be worth the wait for the recipe as well as the time for it to finish cooking in your own kitchen.

What do you guys think about me doing more posts on food and cooking? I have done a food blog in the past but it was mostly reviewing food at restaurants. Maybe this time I'll go for some cooking videos. That's asking a lot of myself considering I still have trouble getting my weekly post up on the same night every week. At least I post often; I'm pretty happy I've been able to kick my butt into writing and keeping record every week.

The abs deadline is still 4-5 months away (June. Alex and I didn't say exactly when in June) but I feel the urge to really step it up. If I could I would do more but work, school assignments, and preferring mornings really makes it a task. Eventually I'll get this all together into a nice system. I'm still working on that goal's list ya know. I think it would help if I printed it out and taped it on my vanity mirror. That way I remember the ones that are most important to me each day.

Well I have to get back to my studies. Assignment due tonight then work in the morning.
I hope your weekend is looking up. Stay warm and dry.
Namaste.