Tears Are Release

I'm going to be entirely honest and just admit that these past two weeks haven't been the greatest for mine and Alex's fitness challenge (i.e. Race to abs). There have been numerous days where I haven't been in right mind... I don't know what happened but I've been struggling with some form of depression. Now I have no good reason to be in this state. Alex makes me so happy, I live comfortably, and while my friends and family are all distant, I know they care for me. Usually what I call a case of the blahs only lasts a day at most but this... It lasted longer and I kept feeling like I was falling in. Like I was being sucked into nothingness... And since the first step of getting over your fears is to admit them, I admit that I'm afraid of feeling nothing: of death. It's a legitimate fear but it is one that you can't blame me for neglecting to bring up. I thought if I kept pushing it away it would go away but instead it clamped on and I have been feeling so heavy.

Alex is wonderful and just being with him has been helping. It's possible that these feelings have been brought on by lack of significant interaction. We have both been so busy with work and school that it's been tough to get quality time. 

One night when he thought I was irritated with him I apologized and started crying because I wasn't mad at him; I was drowning in my own thoughts of nothingness. A hug is a truly powerful thing and tears... Tears are such release. Tears aren't weakness; they take off some of the weight of our sorrows. Like a juice bag, if you stomp hard on it, it will explode but if you gently snip the corners it will flow out, the bag emptied but still structured enough to hold air.

After that, I noticed as soon as I just started being more and listed what I value, I started to come up out of the water. I got into Pokemon with him and two of our friends and the silly simple card game has helped. With a new game comes questions and opportunities to discuss and play together.

Another thing that has helped was an article by Erica, an Elephant Journal writer I have grown fond of. It was a repost of what she believed was one of her best ones: an article about what she would say to her 22 year-old self. It was so powerful and struck me so much that I was brought to tears. "I'm 22," I told myself. I have the choice to make my life how I want it. The right now is happening and I don't want to waste another moment worrying about something that is not present. I don't want to waste any of the precious time I have here with Alex and the world. I want to truly live.
So please accept my apology, whoever you are reading this post; I will do my best to keep moving forward with this Race to Abs challenge and update you on this as well as other endeavors. No measurements for last week but I will make sure to get them up this week. I'm thinking I'll do them earlier since Thursdays are so busy. We shall see how it goes. I've probably gained some weight. Going to confections and sweet treats for comfort along with not going to the gym don't help. Yoga helps a little since I've changed up my music.
Monotony is dangerous. So is loneliness.

I hope everyone is staying warm and that you enjoy the sunshine every moment you can.
Namaste.