The Dwellers In These Bodies Are Eternal

This isn't the first time I've sat down to write and struggled with the emotions that churn inside me. This year has been heavy for me. I took a big step on my yogic journey by joining the 200 hour YTT(yoga teacher training program. I graduated college. With this height I gained sharp perspective of my dreams. I've had a lot to smile about.
Like with Osho's trees, with height comes equal proportion of depth.
THis year my grandmother passed away as did Andrew, a family pet from childhood. Both had long lives filled with love. However, the deepest of depths comes from the recent death of a new friend, one I was only just beginning to know.

His name was Tim Martin and he was in my training class. He always had a story to share and, I admit, at first I was intimidated. But as I began to see more and more of him I found he was very kind and had beautiful intentions. He helped nourish our class with everything he shared.

Last night I struggled with believing he was gone. I just saw him less than two weeks ago. I sifted through what information I could find on the internet, hoping that maybe I misread and he was recovering in the hospital. The weight of truth pulled me down and today I still feel heavy.

I am sad because violence took him from his family and from his potential future, filling the world with more lightness.

Death is scary because we don't fully understand it. What is even scarier is that there are people out there who have so much darkness in themselves that they would hurt another person. Our time here is short, and we don't know how short. Yes, we make the most of our days and love as much as we can but how do we cope when death steps into the room?

What has helped me with coping lately is what Nancy shared in one of our recent classes. She shared, and I paraphrase of course, "Western society sees death as very sad and final. In the east, death is a celebration of transformation."
Whether taken in old age or in violence, the transformation is made and I find this comforting. Our bodies die but what makes up who we are lives on in our loved ones and in the energy of the universe all around us. We are made of stars. Stars are made of us.

"These bodies are perishable, but the dwellers in these bodies are eternal, indestructible and impenetrable." -Bhagavad Gita

Gears in the machine

Today one of my coworker's friends died.

Upon discovery, there was a moment of silence, a weight in the air. 

I held her and comforted her with a warm hand on her back. +

Then others did the same. 

Then she was left in her seat. The humming of machines continued.

What do you say when this occurs? I've become comfortable with silence-- allowing the person in pain to be in that state, to feel how they feel.

Others say "Calm down, don't get yourself sick."

But, really, don't we feel worse when we hold the sadness in? Don't we poison ourselves when we try to contain the uncontainable? The weight can be crushing, piercing, and even debilitating. 

And yet when such events are discovered at work, we are expected to keep working the machine of our job. We are expected to continue on as if nothing had happened.

Yes, we continue our lives and work after someone close has passed on but shouldn't everyone be granted some time to mourn? 

We are emotional creatures. Even when we practice aparigraha (nongrasping/attachment) we still feel. Emotions take time to process and accept. 

Is our society so uncomfortable with death that we would rather push a gear in a machine even though it is missing a tooth?

A lot of work environments out there do understand but I'm not sure how I feel about those that brush raw humanity to the side.

The Week My World Changed

This week has been one of mixed feelings for me. So much has happened... life has happened.
It is with a heavy heart I share the knowledge of my grandmother's passing. This heavy heart pains from the pain of my mother. Grandma's body was breaking down until finally she went, kept from the pain of which ailed her with drugs and soothing sounds.
Monday, among this sadness, I received news that I passed my COMPS exam.
Shortly after, I was invited to an interview for a job at the USF Library.
Tuesday, I went to the interview. I forgot to put on chapstick and made chappy lip sounds and said "um" more than I care to share.
Thursday, I got a call saying I got the job.
I received a letter in the mail saying I need to give my loans back to the government because I am not eligible to receive them.
Friday, gay marriage is made legal.
I call and speak with ten different people at USF and discover I messed up with paperwork but someone else also really really messed up by falsely stating I took my COMPS exam and passed in the Spring.

... and here I am now... my mind heavy with the weight of both happiness and sadness. I am a believer of balance and, at this point right here-->., I have found the state of life.
Life, as an ever-changing, ever-flowing, state of being. I will return to this point many more times in my life, as is the norm for those who breathe and use the gifts of the earth. There are no words for feeling happiness and sadness. Many would say that I'm stressed but the state I am in goes far beyond; the weight both strengthens and weakens my spirit. I am sad that my mother is parted from her mother. I am excited to have passed my exam and that I got a job offer. I am ecstatic that there is more equality in our country. I am frustrated and terrified about my financial aid issue. I feel all of these states but, like the world keeps spinning after death, I am still here now: thinking of friends I miss, working on class assignments, petting Penny and Rinpoche, writing a blog post...

Tears Are Release

I'm going to be entirely honest and just admit that these past two weeks haven't been the greatest for mine and Alex's fitness challenge (i.e. Race to abs). There have been numerous days where I haven't been in right mind... I don't know what happened but I've been struggling with some form of depression. Now I have no good reason to be in this state. Alex makes me so happy, I live comfortably, and while my friends and family are all distant, I know they care for me. Usually what I call a case of the blahs only lasts a day at most but this... It lasted longer and I kept feeling like I was falling in. Like I was being sucked into nothingness... And since the first step of getting over your fears is to admit them, I admit that I'm afraid of feeling nothing: of death. It's a legitimate fear but it is one that you can't blame me for neglecting to bring up. I thought if I kept pushing it away it would go away but instead it clamped on and I have been feeling so heavy.

Alex is wonderful and just being with him has been helping. It's possible that these feelings have been brought on by lack of significant interaction. We have both been so busy with work and school that it's been tough to get quality time. 

One night when he thought I was irritated with him I apologized and started crying because I wasn't mad at him; I was drowning in my own thoughts of nothingness. A hug is a truly powerful thing and tears... Tears are such release. Tears aren't weakness; they take off some of the weight of our sorrows. Like a juice bag, if you stomp hard on it, it will explode but if you gently snip the corners it will flow out, the bag emptied but still structured enough to hold air.

After that, I noticed as soon as I just started being more and listed what I value, I started to come up out of the water. I got into Pokemon with him and two of our friends and the silly simple card game has helped. With a new game comes questions and opportunities to discuss and play together.

Another thing that has helped was an article by Erica, an Elephant Journal writer I have grown fond of. It was a repost of what she believed was one of her best ones: an article about what she would say to her 22 year-old self. It was so powerful and struck me so much that I was brought to tears. "I'm 22," I told myself. I have the choice to make my life how I want it. The right now is happening and I don't want to waste another moment worrying about something that is not present. I don't want to waste any of the precious time I have here with Alex and the world. I want to truly live.
So please accept my apology, whoever you are reading this post; I will do my best to keep moving forward with this Race to Abs challenge and update you on this as well as other endeavors. No measurements for last week but I will make sure to get them up this week. I'm thinking I'll do them earlier since Thursdays are so busy. We shall see how it goes. I've probably gained some weight. Going to confections and sweet treats for comfort along with not going to the gym don't help. Yoga helps a little since I've changed up my music.
Monotony is dangerous. So is loneliness.

I hope everyone is staying warm and that you enjoy the sunshine every moment you can.
Namaste.