Reaching Up & Out With Hope

So this past week went better than the last. I made it to the gym twice (but did full-body workouts both times). I also went for a nice bike ride with Alex and did my homework. On Saturday I took the day off from work to spend with my parents. I was so happy to see them and spend quality time. Dress shopping for my brother's wedding and mini-golfing were both a success. I wish I could have spent a little more time with my dad but I think time with my mom is what I needed I've missed her so much and I've been worrying about her. My grandmother has been in and out of the hospital twice last week... and it makes me happy that my brother and I pushed my mom to visit her for Christmas. Now I hope she can visit her once more while she can... but if we don't have money then that isn't going to happen.
I'm pretty torn up when I think about it for too long. I wish I could be there for my mom but I'm sure my dad is comforting her the best he can. I just... I'm having a hard time writing things down lately because emotionally I am disappointing myself. I do my yoga but what once brought me utter clarity brings me pain because I am troubled by thoughts of not ever becoming a yoga instructor because I won't ever be good enough. I'm also troubled by my breathing; it's become a challenge to have healthy deep breaths and I believe it's due to my deviated septum that has recently become more prominent... I really need to talk to my mom about it and maybe getting surgery done while I'm still on their insurance. To breath with ease would be a gift.
As I've mentioned at the beginning of my post, I have managed to get myself to the gym-- not as often as I like but I've gotten myself there and I'm proud of it Unfortunately it's losing its flair... being around people but still being alone is worse than actually being at home alone because how does one initiate conversation towards becoming acquaintances? It's hard not making new friends.
Alex is my best friend and I think I'd be twice as crazy as I am now without him. Yet I still wish for a friend to go to the gym with, talk about boys, paint our nails together... just hang out. I don't know what to do; I feel like I've forgotten how to make new friends. I was so lucky in undergrad to meet Kaitlin... joining a sorority didn't bring me as many life long friends as I thought but I still got her and I'm happy I did. She made being in Tallahassee enjoyable and school better. Maybe I should try joining another sorority... or just a club. I don't know what club I'd get on well with or even how I'd have time to actually be a part of a sorority... I can barely get my school work done and have enough energy to be a good girlfriend or go to work.

I'm just feeling lost I think. I feel maybe I've made a wrong turn with my career path choice... but when I think of other options I think maybe I'd feel the same on any one of those roads, unless they involved me more. There's so many things I enjoy and would like to continue doing or start doing but they have little to do with librarianship... I don't know what's happened other than change. I love to be outdoors and explore. I love riding bicycles with Alex. I love painting. I love being with friends. I love to bake. I love cute things. I love working with plants. I love animals and helping others... I can help others through librarianship yet I'm worried I won't be any good at it. I'm worried I won't find a job that will want someone that is good at librarianship and likes to help others but doesn't want anything to do with the politics of government and hierarchy of the work place. I don't think they'll want someone who only did okay in school because she wanted to actually live life instead of reading lifeless books about management and theories. I don't think they would want me; they want the cramped-in-a-box me... I need to find a way to be free and still have a career to pay off my debts and have money to live comfortably.
I wish I knew how to better sort my thoughts. I used to be good at it.
Enough of my sob story, I'm sorry readers if you've come this far with me only to become annoyed with my work and probably never read again. I need to start blogging my thoughts the day of something interesting. I still have geo-caching to write about. I also have my apple pie and vegan chicken-noodle imitation soup to post about.
I'm not going to give up though. I'm going to keep writing... maybe someday I can make something out of all this.

So once again I don't have a picture of myself because underwear is unacceptable to show to the world and I was lazy about taking a picture. It's a little exciting looking at these measurements versus the past ones because I really think doing full body twice a week has significantly been better than the past weeks workout methods. Now I just need to make myself do something every day (cardio).
Here's my measurements:

39.75" shoulders
9.5" biceps
33" chest
29" under bust
26.5" waist
36.5" hips
37" butt
21.5" thighs
13.75" calves