Ego vs. Seva

I’m all over the place this past week. I had plans for both Saturday and Sunday but alas they were both canceled events. I wasn’t prepared to not have a plan. I ended up scrolling through much of Netflix, not really selecting anything, just reading the titles. My yoga mat sat by my desk looking tired.

I was stuck and in some ways I still am. My morning practice is stiff and by the time I’m warm I have to finish getting ready for work. Work has been slow and I am, quite simply, bored. I work on my website, read Elephant Journal articles, check my email even though nothing new has popped up, and thankfully accept tasks as they come up.

I haven’t written, I realize, in a little while. Well, I’ve written but I haven’t completed anything and I haven’t shared anything.

To get out of my funk, I pushed myself to work on some decorations for the office—school spirit themed. I painted some leaves, cut out the bull symbol; fun stuff.

Last night while I was cooking dinner, I was listening to Ted Talks. There was one about how we will never achieve our dreams, or something like that. The guy talked about how we go for good jobs but allow ourselves to be afraid of our dream jobs.

That got me thinking—what do I want but something is holding me back from moving forward. Ego. I’m getting so deep into thoughts of yoga and I get to work on it every week—is my Ego sabotaging my progress? Am I just afraid of not knowing? Well, yes, it is scary but I am hopeful. Hopeful that the beauty and grace that yoga brings to my mind and body is real. Hopeful that my practice continues to grow and that one day I will have the confidence to teach a class and help people feel the way I do when I just let go. Hopeful for freedom.

Then I think, what else are my fears/ ego holding me back from? What am I even afraid of anyway? I want to learn Japanese—at least enough to communicate when visiting Japan. I also want to learn Chinese because I’d like to communicate with people at the grocery store I shop at and expand my network. Not that my current network includes many people. (Ego). I also want to learn Spanish because it’s my background and it’s always awkward when people ask me if I’m Spanish and why I don’t speak the language.

I also want to be passionate. I want to be involved. Passionate about what? Well I’m passionate about the yoga community and the beautiful intentions and morals it comes with. I enjoy helping people—that’s why I’m at the library—but I want to do more. More than sit at a desk and wait for questions. It would be nice to go to the community and give them the opportunity to ask questions rather than seek me out to ask (doesn’t happen often since that’s not my role at the library). I am passionate about service and it’s scary because I don’t know how to go that route. I wasn’t taught to serve, I was taught to work, to cook, to clean, to make a family. How do I serve and pay the bills?

While waiting to hear back from job prospects I could be volunteering in my free time. I’ve begun looking into ways to help the community and now I’m recalling my conversations with my fellow YTT-ers. The community I’m passionate about wants to contribute in a field I am passionate about.

I may fail at my dream but the journey isn't worth it if it isn't my dream. Contentment is knowing that we have lived whether we succeed or fail. There is sweetness in every part of life and I will always remind myself. 

Now to take another step forward. 

Wabi-Sabi

Three years ago today.
You hear people say it all the time: "It's funny how time flies by."
And it really is funny because one moment you are waiting to go to yoga class and then three years later you are in Yoga Teacher Training.
I wish I could say I knew I wanted to work on becoming a yoga teacher.
 If I felt then how I felt now, well, I would have said "I love you" to Alex first; I would have changed my major to Exercise Science or Health to be a nutritionist. I wouldn't have let myself be so afraid of failing science courses-- or afraid of anything else so petty.
There are a lot of things that the person I am right now would have done differently if sent back in time. The fact is that I'm here. I made all the choices I made in the past and without them, I may be somewhere different. Instead of writing this during my slow time at the library, I may not have ever written this.
Every moment has a purpose-- the one you give to it.
So this moment, three years ago today, is a reflection of my hopes today.
Someday in the future I will once again be asking people to let me be a part of their day. I hope to share some of the beauty this life has to offer. I hope to ask them to leave their troubles at the door with their shoes and bring their mats in with their hearts. I hope to be the teacher they deserve and a friend they can turn to when life just isn't what they thought it would be.

There is a Japanese a phrase Wabi-Sabi, it is a way of living that emphasizes finding beauty in imperfection, and accepting the natural cycle of growth and decay.

More and more my yoga practice supports Wabi-Sabi; accepting who I am today, where my body is at. I see the improvements that can be made but I also honor myself as I am-- beautiful in this moment, in this world.

Gears in the machine

Today one of my coworker's friends died.

Upon discovery, there was a moment of silence, a weight in the air. 

I held her and comforted her with a warm hand on her back. +

Then others did the same. 

Then she was left in her seat. The humming of machines continued.

What do you say when this occurs? I've become comfortable with silence-- allowing the person in pain to be in that state, to feel how they feel.

Others say "Calm down, don't get yourself sick."

But, really, don't we feel worse when we hold the sadness in? Don't we poison ourselves when we try to contain the uncontainable? The weight can be crushing, piercing, and even debilitating. 

And yet when such events are discovered at work, we are expected to keep working the machine of our job. We are expected to continue on as if nothing had happened.

Yes, we continue our lives and work after someone close has passed on but shouldn't everyone be granted some time to mourn? 

We are emotional creatures. Even when we practice aparigraha (nongrasping/attachment) we still feel. Emotions take time to process and accept. 

Is our society so uncomfortable with death that we would rather push a gear in a machine even though it is missing a tooth?

A lot of work environments out there do understand but I'm not sure how I feel about those that brush raw humanity to the side.

Ishvara-Pranidhana : Let the universe guide you

by gimgams, dA

This journey can be challenging sometimes. Not just with getting onto the mat (TAPAS!) but also deciphering new feelings and thoughts that come with diving deeper into myself. Discovering what I truly want is frightening because often I'm not sure how to make the proper motions.
So far I've found I don't want a full time job, but I need to make enough to pay bills. I've always known I want to help people but now I see that I want to give them the opportunity to break free from our society's norms and discover true health and wellness (i.e. gardening, yoga, food).

I have also found that I truly enjoy simple foods, not just because they're easier to make but also because I can taste each aspect of the meal: the nuttiness of quinoa, the umami of different mushrooms, the sweetness of a banana, the crunchiness of fresh cooked green beans, the crispness granted with fresh lemon juice in water.
My joy of simplicity extends out into other aspects of my life as well: the sound of natural running water, the warmth of Penny's belly, Alex's full-hearted laugh, the colors of blue in nature all around me, the feeling of being in a house made of logs (Lotus Pond, my Uncle's home on Bear Mountain NY), the feeling I get when looking at the colors granted to the sky as the sun rises and falls.

Maybe the proper motions are just doing what I enjoy doing and putting my all into it. This weekend Larissa, my pranayama teacher, touched on Ishvara-Pranidhana, the idea of letting the universe guide you. She shared how she's gotten where she is today by taking what opportunities are given to her and building from there. She doesn't seek out jobs, they come to her.
It is a rather difficult concept to get my western mind wrapped around it but I think the idea really stems from the power of initial inquiry: you touch the surface of the water with a stick one time and it ripples, the water is unsettled and shifts-- options move towards you.
So the lesson is, do what you love, the rest will come.


Another article that talks about going with the flow of the universe: The Real Meaning of Go With the Flow by Sara Tomassini.

A ladybug with a broken wing

by FatimaZahraeM, dA

Climb up each twig and leaf, every sprig and chip. 
You reach the top and move around, feeling the warmth of the sun. 
You open the other wing to match the one that won't close. You feel the wind and you release your hold. You fall.
You pull yourself up and climb once more to the summit. You try again. And you fall again. 
I watch you as you try , wondering what to do. You are only given two and one is hurt. 
I pick the limb that holds you high and look closer. You are calm, afraid for more reasons than one. 
I touch the extended wing feeling what you have lost. 
I stare. 
You stare.

I place you down and you lay still in the shade. 
A moment passes and you begin again. Trying and trying and trying again. 
Then you just stay at the top, the weight of what cannot be fixed grounding you to the peak of your branch. 
There you stay. 
What you think about I will never know but in this moment little bug know that you were not alone.

Peace, Life & Reflection

This past week has been chaotic as so often it can be. 

Last Friday morning I had a beautiful personal practice. Forty minutes of just me, my mat, and some music. The day was off to a pleasant start. Alex and I went out to get some dairy free yogurt at Whole Foods. Then my car expressed real distress and earned the label of unreliable. There was a part that needed to be replaced and because of the design of my car, Alex was uncomfortable doing the labor himself. (No yogurt was spoiled, thankfully)

Then, Sunday, Alex's car decides to just not start while we are out grocery shopping. (We had tofu with us).

My reaction when both happened? 

Okay.

Just a sincere sense of calm. 

Perhaps it was the start to the weekend that made the calm possible-- my release of any stress and concerns allowed for fresh ones to be addressed properly. Perhaps it was because Alex and I were together. So often we have gotten out of wack when chaos finds its way into our day. I've found we so often do better together.

It has been some of the most inopportune times for these events to occur-- both because of cold foods and finances. Practicing yoga physically and mentally, I've found a healthy way to work through conflict: with serenity and compassion.

In light of this day, September 11th, these troubles are very petty-- and that is why stress does not serve me or anyone in situations like that. I am here today and I am as free as I allow myself to be. My heart goes out to those of you who have feel the pain from hatred and fear years ago on this day. May love help you help your heart, your body and your mind. 

So much was hijacked that day; it wasn't just planes or lives. A whole culture was hijacked and tarnished in front of the world. Extremists are the cause, just as they always have been. 

I leave you today with peaceful, loving wishes. May your heart find balance and compassion so that the spirit within you is fed with more light than darkness. 

Om shanti.

Penny for a Selfie

In order for there to be joy in the sunshine, we have to take in some rain.

Stillness in the Water

Stillness amidst life
Ripples in the water
Thoughts in the mind
Breathe
Ripples soften
Water becomes transparent
Within the stillness is deeper knowledge.
Particles within molecules
Molecules within water
Life in the water
Life in the breath

Yesterday's Day 3

It’s day 3 and I find myself being tugged to fall back into chaos of getting a list of things done. Yes, my list physically exists, and the actions on it I must do in order to progress in life. However, maybe sometimes we need to focus on what isn’t on the list—the actions we set aside for special occasions.

All those candles in the closet serve no purpose if you are waiting to use them for a special occasion. Light them, feel the natural glow they offer to the room. Add them to the dinner table and instantly you have a more intimate setting.

All the pencils, paints, and canvas tucked away for the perfect image are worthless—empty. Paint what you have now—it may prove to be a more powerful essence than your some-day-masterpiece.

Snuggle with your dog. Dogs sit by so often, quietly letting you work through the chaos set upon yourself. So often do they watch, saddened with how consumed you are with nonsense. If you can’t remember the last time you just sat and looked back at your dog (or cat), do it tonight. I implore you, look at your friend as they look at you. Feel whatever comes to you when you sit with them, then give them all the love you can.

I’m telling you these suggestions because they are also suggestions to myself. I am just like you, dear reader; I get caught up in the raging ocean of our society—the endless demands and desires that just have to be met because “they have to.”

Often times we let the list drive us through the day, dragging us through routes we don’t care for. If you find no peace in your list, your list has conquered you and you’ve lost. You’ve lost yourself if you forget what is not written on the list.

We need to remember that if we do not serve our own beliefs (i.e. the belief that what you do every day matters), then what are we serving? Often times, yes, it’s The Man (society) just so we can pay the bills. But if you’ve been stuck in actions that give you no joy, no vigor, then what does that serve? Discontent. You are in charge. Take charge.

Making Time for Yourself

There are 24 hours in a day. We sleep, on average, 8 hours a night, work for 8 hours, and commute for about 1 hour. That leaves you with about seven hours to deevy out between laundry, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of loved ones’ needs.

You have seven hours. That one hour your friend has available to spend with you seems much more valuable in this light. Those ten minutes it takes to read a bed time story to your children are so much more precious that you’ll find you’re okay with reading But No Elephants more than twice.

We put so much pressure on ourselves and each other in our society that we forget that time is a social agreement. Yes, the world spins, the universe expands, but right here, right now, is what matters. Stop counting and allowing anxiety of only having ten minutes to ruin the breaths within those moments—the life force.

Make it all count. If you must pay bills and clean the house, set a timer for yourself. Instead of cleaning while doing other chores, for those 30 minutes you must clean just clean with all your heart. Use cleaners that are kind to you and the Earth. Breathe. Then, when the timer is done, put the cleaning stuff away. You may not have gotten every dish or every hair on the floor, but there will always be more dirty dishes and more dirt to sweep. Let it go and relax knowing you did what you could.

Time measures nothing but itself.

National Yoga Month

In case you're wondering, I'm the one on the right side wearing a white shirt. My teeth decided they wanted to eat my smile.

Today is the beginning National YogaMonth.* Close your eyes. Exhale and gently push out any stale air in your lungs, all the way to the bottom lungs. Take in a deep breath; like a wave, let it lift up your stomach, your chest and then expand outward. Release. Let it all out.

In this single moment, you will have found an aspect of yoga. Our lives are so caught up in the business made norm by our society that we forget how our bodies are designed to breath—how the way we breath affects not only our heart rate but our mental state as well.

If you have found yourself curious about yoga, now would be a great month to look into it. Without a doubt you will find a near-endless supply of articles and how-to books on the asanas (postures). You may also find some on pranayama (breath work), and meditation. Whatever you look into, take joy in the accessibility to so many resources. It has never been easier to learn and educate ourselves on something new. If you want to learn more but you feel like you're drowning or you're just not sure where to start, I am more than happy to point you in the right direction. Don't be shy, let me know.

What is beautiful about yoga is that, this month can be about anything you want it to be. It can be about the asanas (postures); it can be about Ayurveda; it can be about the breath. The important part is that you make an attempt to reconnect with yourself. I'm not saying you need to go to a yoga retreat or an ashram (although that would be quite lovely). I just recommend taking a moment each day for yourself. Find a quiet place, get into a comfortable seated position and just breathe. Take the moment to be in the moment. If you find you'd like to move, give your body what it asks for. If your body is tired and sore you can just sit or lay down-- get comfortable for a few minutes at least. If your body is antsy and you have unspent energy, shake it out and move. Maybe do some asanas. 

It's okay to let this chunk of time be about you. You deserve it.

*Note: If you want to try out a yoga class or try a different type of class, the link at the beginning of this post will take you to the Yoga Heath Foundation. They are offering one free week of yoga classes at participating locations.