Feel the 'Sakti

OM Gam Ganapataye Namaha

I've said it in previous posts, my life has been spinning fast.
All around me, the world seems to move in fast forward and time has never been so precious. I see my day pass at work as if through a window. I try to keep busy, reading articles and doing whatever on the computer. For the most part I lack stimulation as an assistant and I don't really do much of anything when I am working at USF. I have been working every day, with the graciousness of the holidays off to keep me sane, but I've felt worn like a sweater in an endless dryer cycle-- a small part of me brushed away against the lint catch. The thought of leaving USF and keeping to Clearwater has crossed my mind numerous times and has been taken under serious consideration time and time again.
These past weeks I have found my mind shaken by stress and the overwhelming responsibilities of being a grown up. Friday night I reached inside myself and had a taste of the peace within me, my true self sitting in the oasis of my being.

Quieting my mind was more of a challenge than usual this past YTT weekend. The ghost of Tim's presence lingered everywhere I turned: the smell of lilies that bloomed too late for the funeral, the white birds returning to the pond, the chill in the air of a warm room; reminders of the energy he left behind.
I spent the weekend battling inside me, accepting the comfort of my friends' presence, and reminding myself of the revelations I had come to over the past two weeks. It wasn't until Sunday when the weekend had reached its dusk and we were handed mala beads that my mind settled in.
OM Gam Ganapataye Namaha. A mantra for removing obstacles.
The vibrations of every syllable, the brush of each bead on my thumb and the comfort of my sangha... I was finally home, in my mothers arms, listening to her heart beating-- the kiss of a drum's music stroking my ears.

Wherever my path weaves and bends, I'm taking it one step at a time.

OM Gam Ganapataye Namaha. This mantra follows me into the new year as I face the decisions and challenges ahead.

Wabi-Sabi

Three years ago today.
You hear people say it all the time: "It's funny how time flies by."
And it really is funny because one moment you are waiting to go to yoga class and then three years later you are in Yoga Teacher Training.
I wish I could say I knew I wanted to work on becoming a yoga teacher.
 If I felt then how I felt now, well, I would have said "I love you" to Alex first; I would have changed my major to Exercise Science or Health to be a nutritionist. I wouldn't have let myself be so afraid of failing science courses-- or afraid of anything else so petty.
There are a lot of things that the person I am right now would have done differently if sent back in time. The fact is that I'm here. I made all the choices I made in the past and without them, I may be somewhere different. Instead of writing this during my slow time at the library, I may not have ever written this.
Every moment has a purpose-- the one you give to it.
So this moment, three years ago today, is a reflection of my hopes today.
Someday in the future I will once again be asking people to let me be a part of their day. I hope to share some of the beauty this life has to offer. I hope to ask them to leave their troubles at the door with their shoes and bring their mats in with their hearts. I hope to be the teacher they deserve and a friend they can turn to when life just isn't what they thought it would be.

There is a Japanese a phrase Wabi-Sabi, it is a way of living that emphasizes finding beauty in imperfection, and accepting the natural cycle of growth and decay.

More and more my yoga practice supports Wabi-Sabi; accepting who I am today, where my body is at. I see the improvements that can be made but I also honor myself as I am-- beautiful in this moment, in this world.

Making Time for Yourself

There are 24 hours in a day. We sleep, on average, 8 hours a night, work for 8 hours, and commute for about 1 hour. That leaves you with about seven hours to deevy out between laundry, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of loved ones’ needs.

You have seven hours. That one hour your friend has available to spend with you seems much more valuable in this light. Those ten minutes it takes to read a bed time story to your children are so much more precious that you’ll find you’re okay with reading But No Elephants more than twice.

We put so much pressure on ourselves and each other in our society that we forget that time is a social agreement. Yes, the world spins, the universe expands, but right here, right now, is what matters. Stop counting and allowing anxiety of only having ten minutes to ruin the breaths within those moments—the life force.

Make it all count. If you must pay bills and clean the house, set a timer for yourself. Instead of cleaning while doing other chores, for those 30 minutes you must clean just clean with all your heart. Use cleaners that are kind to you and the Earth. Breathe. Then, when the timer is done, put the cleaning stuff away. You may not have gotten every dish or every hair on the floor, but there will always be more dirty dishes and more dirt to sweep. Let it go and relax knowing you did what you could.

Time measures nothing but itself.

National Yoga Month

In case you're wondering, I'm the one on the right side wearing a white shirt. My teeth decided they wanted to eat my smile.

Today is the beginning National YogaMonth.* Close your eyes. Exhale and gently push out any stale air in your lungs, all the way to the bottom lungs. Take in a deep breath; like a wave, let it lift up your stomach, your chest and then expand outward. Release. Let it all out.

In this single moment, you will have found an aspect of yoga. Our lives are so caught up in the business made norm by our society that we forget how our bodies are designed to breath—how the way we breath affects not only our heart rate but our mental state as well.

If you have found yourself curious about yoga, now would be a great month to look into it. Without a doubt you will find a near-endless supply of articles and how-to books on the asanas (postures). You may also find some on pranayama (breath work), and meditation. Whatever you look into, take joy in the accessibility to so many resources. It has never been easier to learn and educate ourselves on something new. If you want to learn more but you feel like you're drowning or you're just not sure where to start, I am more than happy to point you in the right direction. Don't be shy, let me know.

What is beautiful about yoga is that, this month can be about anything you want it to be. It can be about the asanas (postures); it can be about Ayurveda; it can be about the breath. The important part is that you make an attempt to reconnect with yourself. I'm not saying you need to go to a yoga retreat or an ashram (although that would be quite lovely). I just recommend taking a moment each day for yourself. Find a quiet place, get into a comfortable seated position and just breathe. Take the moment to be in the moment. If you find you'd like to move, give your body what it asks for. If your body is tired and sore you can just sit or lay down-- get comfortable for a few minutes at least. If your body is antsy and you have unspent energy, shake it out and move. Maybe do some asanas. 

It's okay to let this chunk of time be about you. You deserve it.

*Note: If you want to try out a yoga class or try a different type of class, the link at the beginning of this post will take you to the Yoga Heath Foundation. They are offering one free week of yoga classes at participating locations. 

-In- the -Out-doors

My first YTT weekend was more than I could have ever imagined. I think I learned and made more connections in that weekend than I had over the past two years of graduate school.

You can learn a lot from books but the depth at which you can go requires guidance and practice. Reading alone will not do.

There have been many moments in my life that I have felt very happy, but only about two of which accompanied the feeling of being exactly where I belong and want to be. The first was with Alex, the second was the first weekend at the Lotus Pond.

There was so much emotion and warmth running through me all weekend that it's hard to know where to start sharing and where to stop trying.

Much of the time in my training classes so far is devoted to alignment, posture, and subtly connecting with ourselves. When there is a break between it all we get a moment to reflect and share how we are feeling.

Someone in my class shared how they'd been going through a rough time and how the feeling of welcome and warmth shared in the room was exactly what they needed. I related strongly to her. It's safe to say that most of us students have found peace and happiness just by showing up.

I have had my doubts-- not just during the first weekend but also in the following weeks. “I'm no good, they're wasting their time working with me,” “I'll never get to breath with ease like other people,” “I'm not going to have enough time to devote to this.”

Like a cliff on the beach, all these doubts, all these negative thoughts are slowly being washed away; they reveal more and more of me.

Our ego is harmful to us. In order to fully bring yoga into our lives we must consider all the aspects surrounding negativity-- where did the thoughts originate from? I know that exploring my negativity has been difficult but every day I try.

Every day is there is a challenge to face. Often, this challenge is just stepping back and observing my thoughts and actions as they come.

The only thing truly capable of getting in the way of my success is myself. I think it's important that we address our doubts, see where they come from, then reinforce positivity to make what we want possible.

We invite space for happiness when we recognize negativity and release it. It takes time to identify what we hold onto but I feel like as long as you address it and then let it go when you realize it's harmful to you then, over time, you will recognize a weight off of your shoulders.

I know that the classes we have every Thursday really challenge me to let go of boundaries and embrace the company and open arms of my sangha (community).

Tonight started the beginning of the second big weekend. It's called “Deepening the Practice.” I'm not sure exactly what to expect but I know I'll be leaving the Pond with a little less weight on my shoulders each day.

Thoughts Preceding Yoga Classes

From magazinehive.com

As many of you already know I will be starting my Yoga Teacher Training in a couple of weeks.

I am filled with excitement for this prospect to finally come into fruition. I do have a lot of hopes for what I will accomplish and I'm not sure how much I will gain in mind and body.

There is a saying "If your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough." My dreams are pretty big because among my undeniable excitement is a distinct chilling presence of fear.
I'm afraid that I may not be good enough, or that, despite my capabilities, I will not be accepted anywhere to teach.
I have been addressing my fears for three years or so and, with the money down and my head in the books for this program, fear can't stop me now. I just hope I can make my body strong enough to perform the demands of my mind.

I know what to expect for the most part but I have been told that the experience I am about to participate in will be life-changing. Everyone I have met so far has been very kind and helpful and, in all honesty, I really hope to establish new friendships both in and outside of the program. It's really tough making friends when there are very limited interactions... and it's even more tough being so far from those I already hold close to my heart.

I have noticed that these struggles with establishing friendships and relationships are becoming more and more common in today's society. I have read numerous articles on the disconnect between people and how maybe technology contributes to that. Do we have our eyes on the screen so often that we miss chances? Do we let our lives pass us by?
I feel like we have good uses for our technologies, but agree that we do need to separate ourselves from it more often. I know that I need to revitalize my spirit every now and then with the fresh air of the outdoors. Camping, hiking, biking, canoeing-- it's all a way for me to slow down and just take in the world around me. It re-centers me and reminds me of what matters most.
Do you get enough fresh air?

Monsanto Ramble-Tamble, A Bee Just Died

What's really sad is... I'm not even sure where to start. When I read this article earlier today I felt the fury I generally feel towards the results of greed. I'm still not sure how to express such frustration and every time i learn more I feel more trapped by this country. Yes we have the right to freedom of speech but what does it matter when our words do so little for our planet? What does it all matter when we can't even buy produce without worrying about the effects of the pesticides? Oh wait, that's right: to the U.S. food is now grown but PRODUCED. Food isn't something the Earth provides-- it's something we make ourselves, something that is created and assembled at a factory. For so many Americans, this is the cold truth. So many people don't even know that there is other produce out there that Walmart doesn't sell. Most people would be shocked or grossed out to learn that there is such a thing as a purple carrot. This is a naturally occurring plant of nature. Nature. The Earth. From the ground. A ground without overuse. A ground without pesticides and dead bees. I digress. This purple carrot is perfectly good to eat and has more nutrients than the standard 'orange' carrot.
I'm given all this freedom in America, like the freedom to write this post, but why is it such a damn challenge to give the people real food without concern for their health in the long run? Why is it so damn difficult to allow farmers to be competitive and use their own seeds? Why is it fucking allowed to spray plants meant for consumption with toxins that kill bees? Why is there such a high demand for beautiful green lawns and not enough desire for raised beds that could yield enough food to feed a family for dinner? Greed. God damned greed and pompousness.
I think this one is pretty close to how I'm feeling:

On a different note, but still on the ridiculousness of industry importance over the health of the entire planet (ALL animals included), I also know that charging fees to those who get all the energy they need for solar panels is fucking ridiculous. I also know that saying that someone has to be connected to the grid for electricity even though they won't be using it is ridiculous. This country isn't about the American Dream-- not the one we grow up believing in. This country is about supporting BUSINESS and COMPANIES. $$$$. 

But there are good people here. There are good people here in the United States trying to live a healthy, happy life while preserving precious resources and the Earth herself. I know that we are all busy scrambling and trying to be involved in the life that our society says we need to lead. I know that the last thing you think you should be concerned about is what apples you're picking up at the grocery store. The sad truth is that we do need to research before we buy. We do need to learn how to self-sustain. When everything goes to hell, by golly we need to know how to grow food.

I'm done with that shpeal. I do apologize for two in one day. Other than getting fire-y on the ridiculousness of monsanto and what the U.S. will allow, my day was pretty good. We had good sales at the store.
When I got home Alex and I took Penny for a walk then encountered another couple with a dog. They actually had their dog roaming free in a field so we let Penny of the lease and she had a ball (though the other dog was timid). I wish our walk was longer, especially since I just finished eating cookies that are going to go straight to my pooch and thighs. We had a good dinner though: curry spiced cauliflower and various veggies with spicy baked tilapia. Lately I've really been realizing my lack of activity and the difference between me now and me in undergrad. I used to walk so much more, not to mention go to the gym four times a week.
It's going to happen again. It has to because I can't allow myself to let my body go. I can't gain any more fat. I need to be healthy and respect my body-- not throw garbage into it.

Here's to an interesting rest of the weekend.

Hello There, World

It's been quite some time since my last post. I've allowed myself to be engulfed in Vampire Diaries via Netflix, along with a few other shows available to me through Xfinity. While I do indeed enjoy these shows, I look up from this screen and I see my tea untouched, my homework piled, my other half immersed in Dr. Who or Minecraft. I see the world that we, as people, seem to make into a medium rather than the actual fruit of our lives. We walk to class, the library; we go on a trip to Disney World, but are we really there 100%? How much of our lives do we spend on Facebook or watching marathons of shows and movies?
Let me say it again, there is nothing wrong with enjoying your favorite show or movie but what happens when we delve so deep that we wake up wondering whether we're finally going to find out exactly how Elena Gilbert becomes a vampire instead of wondering if it'll rain today-- or even what we will do to fill in the time between what absolutely needs to be done?
I am guilty of allowing myself to fall down a self-made rabbit whole of obsession. I've kept up well enough with my homework and yoga but I haven't breathed life into my work or loved habits... they simply were routine.
So. This is me admitting to the world this obsession.
This is also me apologizing to myself. Life is short and by dedicating far too many hours to the computer screen, I've missed out-- or, at least, potentially missed out. I may not have missed out one week but when I finally come up for air from this obsession, I see responsibilities that need to be cared for. They could have been cared for earlier to keep room open for new experiences but instead they were spent ogling Damon Salvatore. I don't want to miss out. I don't want to live through a television show. I want to breathe fresh air and meet new people, make mistakes, and feel everything that comes along with the experiences.
I need to work on moderation. Moderation with television shows as well as sweets. Two birds with one stone.
So here's to more time spent on assignments and projects, trying new recipes, reading, writing blog posts, taking pictures, exercising, and spending quality time with Alex. I wish you all the same and best.

Namaste.

Good Morning

Mornings are lovely. The world gets its last few moments of calm and nature starts her lively day.

There is something just so peaceful about the wind in the trees, birds chirping and a morning yoga session. All I can think while bein apart of a morning like this is "Breathe. Just breathe."

Yoga Transcends

As my Sunday Power Yoga class approached its end, my instructor brought up how yoga isn't a goal-oriented practice, it's about proper form. At the time I was in my state of post-yoga peace so I definitely agreed.

A few days later, what she had said came up in my thoughts again and I quickly analyzed the different ways I have looked at yoga.

When we make yoga a goal-oriented practice, we lose something-- not in the attempts to reach that goal, but during the success of reaching it. The 'now what?' feeling-- the forever presence of desire and dissatisfaction. No matter what goal we make we can achieve it but if it is made a desire, then we will always be left wanting something more.

If we give in--surrender-- to the universe through our practice, we accept that which we cannot control and embrace what we can: discipline. We can discipline our minds and bodies and release the negative energies so many of us harbor deep within. When we release them, we open ourselves to the simplicity of happiness. 

We can obtain this happiness within little other than our bodies and minds through practice.

We may begin doing it for fitness, health, or to show that we can, but what comes with it you cannot ignore. Releasing the negative energies we harbor within ourselves, opens space within ourselves. With this space, we can invite peace and relaxation. 

Yoga can be used for fitness or health. I've probably mentioned before but I started yoga because of my asthma. I wanted freedom. The second time I got into it was for fitness. I wanted to feel strong. I believe I have succeeded, for the most part, with both but I had not idea that I could get something even better.

There is a feeling, an energy that radiates through you, when you practice and it lingers in your life for as long as you practice and apply mindfulness to your thoughts and actions. This energy is unlike anything else and, although I could try to explain and describe it, it would not be the same. It's something that must be experienced. You will know when you feel it.