Stillness in the Water

Stillness amidst life
Ripples in the water
Thoughts in the mind
Breathe
Ripples soften
Water becomes transparent
Within the stillness is deeper knowledge.
Particles within molecules
Molecules within water
Life in the water
Life in the breath

Semicolon

From xaik-, deviantArt

It was more than I could have ever hoped for...

The anxiety and fear of the past three years thrummed in my thoughts but I made sure to come just as I was asked: hopeful and open-hearted. I was greeted much the same by all those who are joining me on this journey. Surrounded by honest smiles, curious eyes, and open hearts, I began to think that this training program is going to be good.

We were moved to another, bigger room, where we all picked spots... then something miraculous happened. We were told to stand and breathe, shake off whatever baggage we acquired during the day. It was as if I had stepped back in time into my first yoga class. We did a few motions and brief breathing exercises and then, suddenly, I realized I belonged there. Then we were asked to explain how we were feeling in one word. I went first: "Happy."

From there I felt more and more connections with the people in the room. I know so little about the others but as the same time, I know all I need to know: we have embarked on a journey, and we are taking the voyage together. 

There was so much that happened, so much I felt in this one two-hour session just talking and discovering. I had thought I reached my maximum of happiness until they read quotes from some of the application essays submitted. Is this one mine? What did I write? 

So many voices, so much hope and longing for peace... these beautiful people were in very much the same spot as me-- wanting to find peace, help others, and find out more about themselves. 

Then they read the words I had written with three years of stored hope

     "The depression didn't go away but, when I started to do my morning yoga, I felt like I was opening my eyes and my lungs again. I began to find myself once more. I kept waking up and getting on the mat, knowing I was the only one who could pull myself up. With the love and help of family and friends I made myself again. I found my peace again."

And as I opened the file of my application, I realize that more than one of the quotes read off was mine. The other was: 

     "To me, yoga is the peace that comes with breath and physical exhaustion. Yoga is the peace that comes with realizing you just need to be present."

In the end it really doesn't matter if the quotes were mine or if none of them were mine; what does matter is that I found myself in each person I'm about to share this journey with.

The Week My World Changed

This week has been one of mixed feelings for me. So much has happened... life has happened.
It is with a heavy heart I share the knowledge of my grandmother's passing. This heavy heart pains from the pain of my mother. Grandma's body was breaking down until finally she went, kept from the pain of which ailed her with drugs and soothing sounds.
Monday, among this sadness, I received news that I passed my COMPS exam.
Shortly after, I was invited to an interview for a job at the USF Library.
Tuesday, I went to the interview. I forgot to put on chapstick and made chappy lip sounds and said "um" more than I care to share.
Thursday, I got a call saying I got the job.
I received a letter in the mail saying I need to give my loans back to the government because I am not eligible to receive them.
Friday, gay marriage is made legal.
I call and speak with ten different people at USF and discover I messed up with paperwork but someone else also really really messed up by falsely stating I took my COMPS exam and passed in the Spring.

... and here I am now... my mind heavy with the weight of both happiness and sadness. I am a believer of balance and, at this point right here-->., I have found the state of life.
Life, as an ever-changing, ever-flowing, state of being. I will return to this point many more times in my life, as is the norm for those who breathe and use the gifts of the earth. There are no words for feeling happiness and sadness. Many would say that I'm stressed but the state I am in goes far beyond; the weight both strengthens and weakens my spirit. I am sad that my mother is parted from her mother. I am excited to have passed my exam and that I got a job offer. I am ecstatic that there is more equality in our country. I am frustrated and terrified about my financial aid issue. I feel all of these states but, like the world keeps spinning after death, I am still here now: thinking of friends I miss, working on class assignments, petting Penny and Rinpoche, writing a blog post...

The Dishes May Get Dirty

I recently came into the thought of how am I ever going to get all of this done? and realized the answer: I never will. No matter what we do the dishes will always get dirty again, the floor will need to be swept, and the crafty projects will keep coming.
My way to happiness and peace? Let the dishes be dirty sometimes. You aren't the only one who can wash them and, if you are, there shouldn't be that many and they can wait for a day while you take care of other priorities.
You all know I truly enjoy cooking so eating out all the time is out of the question. The key to making it work: if you have time to sit on your bum and just watch Chopped reruns, you have time to wash the dishes. Even if it's not all of them, do some.
When the chaos of everyday responsibilities engulfs me I clear my mind and let this list ring gently in my ears. The point of it is not to complete the tasks but to follow Set a Timer when considering all aspects of your day. There truly is a weight to the immortal To Do List but when you just devote yourself individually when you can, let the rest go.
If you have important work to do, do that, then take a break and wash a couple dishes to clear your mind.

"Rake the leaves. You'll never finish for good but you'll learn the point of pointlessness."

Don't Stab Me With An Oak, I'm Not A Vampire

I am officially allergic to everything. I mean everything. Trees, grass, animals, dust mites, etc. My allergy appointment went good-- I didn't die. Though, I did almost faint. The doctors said it was most likely because I had a small lunch; the same this has happened before and each time it was someone who didn't eat enough prior. Fortunately I had a fun group of doctors that made me almost fainting exciting. Once they had me laying back, the doctor doctor came in to check on me and instead of asking if I was alright he said "Woo! Exciting! Something happened!" With this very handsome smile on his face. We all giggled. I started feeling better. They gave me Belvita biscuits to eat before they started the full allergy tests. All the tests resulted in big bumps where the injections were administered. I am allergic to everything. Dust mites and Oak tress most of all.
Yay for being back on my allergy pills now though! The next step is to figure out how I'm going to pay for the allergy injections to slowly get my body used to everything. It'll be a three to five year process but I really feel it will be worth it because, at a 90-98% success rate, I could very potentially have a life with less sneezes, itchy throats, and asthma attacks (since allergies are one of my triggers for asthma, this would allow my broncs less opportunities to close up). I drove home feeling bummed that I'm allergic to everything but at the same time filled with hope for easier breathing and less mucus down my throat and into my chest.

You're probably wondering what's with the title. That's a joke I made with Alex about my allergies and how I'm strongly allergic to oaks. To keep it short, he asked if we could still have oak furniture. I said yes and then something along the lines of not staking me in the heart with it because I'll die from allergies and not the stake in the heart. Then I made some jokes about vampires and how if you died from a stake in the heart, you're a vampire. I said that if I were back during such a time I'd be like "But you didn't ask if I like garlic!" (I love garlic). Yeah, I know, nice story Catherine. Thanks for listening. Hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine and their summer break when it gets here.

Namaste.

Here Is Your Moment, Breathe In... Breathe Out... It's Gone

Tonight you don't get to see a picture of me. I took my measurements this morning and I just finished laundry so the only excuse I have for not taking a picture for this week is being busy and slightly lazy. This week I incorporated weighted ab exercises and I actually like them-- they make my sit-ups easier and I can feel the muscles there whenever I'm active. I like it. I like feeling the changes in my body-- something that wasn't welcomed during puberty.
Since I don't have my own original photo to share, I've shared the one above because it is one of the moved re-pinned ones on my Pinterest. It's very simple but says something peaceful yet adventurous. I don't say adventurous because she more than likely has no bikini top on; I say it because the calm world around her and her open arms suggest it. When we open ourselves to the world around us, anything can happen. If we close ourselves off and allow our fears to take over our decisions and our life then we have no adventure and not much else to call a life.
Yoga has taught me so much and there will always be so much to learn but right now I feel it's just time... time is something to be embraced because once we spend this particular moment or that particular second, it's gone. In my undergrad at FSU I took a literature class with Timothy Parrish. I did my best to keep up with the readings and contribute to class discussion but what I found was most important was listening. When I listened closely in this class, I found my own words being voiced by others. We all understand that time is not something that can be grasped; the moment we say we are in the moment, that moment is over. With yoga I am in the moment but also transcending it because I do not limit it to itself. I realize that while we cannot grasp a moment, we can take advantage of now.
I've been having a hard time lately just really focusing myself on school work. I want to be active and do stuff; I don't want to be confined to sitting down and reading materials unless I am able to immerse myself (it doesn't happen often other than with Disney Infinity and a really good book). I really want to go out and do more but I know I also need to work on disciplining my mind. I need to be able to focus on something, while being mentally present, without having a panic attack that I'm not doing anything.
I can do this. I know I can. I just have to keep trying.

So enough of my shpealishness, my measurements this week are:

39.25" shoulders
9.25" biceps
31.75" chest
29.25" underbust
26.75" waist
36.25" hips
36.75" butt
21.75" thighs
13.5" calves

Still going strong with my workouts. I haven't been able to squeeze in weights more than twice a week but I'm doing my best to be active every day. I really have to become more strict with everything though. My bridesmaid dress for my brother's wedding will be here the month of June, the deadline for the Race to Abs, so I have another reason to keep in top shape.

I hope all of you are doing well and you're going strong with your goals.

Namaste.

Hello There, World

It's been quite some time since my last post. I've allowed myself to be engulfed in Vampire Diaries via Netflix, along with a few other shows available to me through Xfinity. While I do indeed enjoy these shows, I look up from this screen and I see my tea untouched, my homework piled, my other half immersed in Dr. Who or Minecraft. I see the world that we, as people, seem to make into a medium rather than the actual fruit of our lives. We walk to class, the library; we go on a trip to Disney World, but are we really there 100%? How much of our lives do we spend on Facebook or watching marathons of shows and movies?
Let me say it again, there is nothing wrong with enjoying your favorite show or movie but what happens when we delve so deep that we wake up wondering whether we're finally going to find out exactly how Elena Gilbert becomes a vampire instead of wondering if it'll rain today-- or even what we will do to fill in the time between what absolutely needs to be done?
I am guilty of allowing myself to fall down a self-made rabbit whole of obsession. I've kept up well enough with my homework and yoga but I haven't breathed life into my work or loved habits... they simply were routine.
So. This is me admitting to the world this obsession.
This is also me apologizing to myself. Life is short and by dedicating far too many hours to the computer screen, I've missed out-- or, at least, potentially missed out. I may not have missed out one week but when I finally come up for air from this obsession, I see responsibilities that need to be cared for. They could have been cared for earlier to keep room open for new experiences but instead they were spent ogling Damon Salvatore. I don't want to miss out. I don't want to live through a television show. I want to breathe fresh air and meet new people, make mistakes, and feel everything that comes along with the experiences.
I need to work on moderation. Moderation with television shows as well as sweets. Two birds with one stone.
So here's to more time spent on assignments and projects, trying new recipes, reading, writing blog posts, taking pictures, exercising, and spending quality time with Alex. I wish you all the same and best.

Namaste.

Energy

The energy we use, the energy we create, the energy we release during practice is not for ourselves.
We use, create, and let go of things for others-- to be compassionate.
We welcome positive energy within us when we're on the mat
and release the negative, breathing in the balance that permits harmony.
The harmony of inhale and exhale that makes life not only possible, but magical.

Drop the Bags

From YogaLouStudios' Pinterest

My yoga practice has been doing well. It's the first thing I do when I wake up-- second, actually, to feeding Mr. Turtle and watering my plants. I've started attending a yoga class again and I'm happy to say I found another wonderful instructor. Kristen's class at the USF Rec Center is mostly driven by the requests of students but the compilation works almost seamlessly. If you know me personally, you probably know that the physical aspect of yoga isn't enough. For me, it goes into one's self and helps you breathe in the life around you.
Each yoga instructor has their own philosophy about what yoga does for the body and mind and it becomes more clear each time you attend their class. You can tell by the words they choose and the sorts of encouragement they provide. Kristen's phrase is one that really solidified my liking for her style; whenever we exhale, she says "Let anything go that does not serve you."  She tells us to be in the moment and enjoy it knowing that there is no where else but on our mat that we need to be. Letting go is difficult for many people, but when numerous things pile up that provide nothing but negative feelings, I'm the first to drop it and breathe. Why hold onto something if it causes you nothing but stress? In the practice, you have to let go of all that baggage because it shows through the practice; it holds you back. It may not hold you back physically, you could very well be doing strong hand stands, but you will feel shaky inside if you are thinking about financial troubles on your mat.
I've found it improves my own practice to just let it all go, if only for a little while. That's one thing about baggage-- it's always waiting right where you left it.

Breathing and Showing

After finally getting settled, I've done my first morning of yoga. Yes, reader, it's been a while. My gosh I've missed it. I shouldn't be surprised; yoga is beneficial to the mind body and spirit. The flow of the breath and body, the concentration and relaxation of the mind-- it's all utterly and magnificently tiring yet energizing. Because it's been a while, my arms and legs continue to shake after my practice. It's addicting, this soreness, and I don't see why I ever allowed myself to blah out of it. Probably the unsteady work schedule of the movie theater. Now that I can nearly make my entire schedule, I can fit it in when I need to.
As for being mostly vegan, it's going okay... minus the ice cream, fish, and eggs. Okay, so I'm the world's worst vegan but at least I admit it. I make an effort to get protein in other ways, it's just tough when all those processed vegan burgers/patties/crumbles and hummus get me gassy. It's not pleasant so I try other routes like almond milk, peanut butter, peanuts, sometimes almonds (but those are expensive and I'm a broke college student again), as well as legumes. I'm trying new recipes so we'll see how it goes.
So you've all been waiting to see my new apartment and I've been wanting to show you but, unfortunately, I'm very much like my mother and prefer to only show my home when it's clean and tidy. Now that's it's finally okay to display to the public, here are the pictures you've all been waiting for.

Hehe, I caught Capn' Merrica.

Footprints

When I look at footprints in the sand, I wonder who that person is, where they are going, what their hopes and dreams are; I wonder if they wonder the same thing when looking to the sand. Do they think of what others will think when we look at the sand? Are we all wondering together across the space and time of that ever changing patch of sand?

These are but a few thoughts tha cross my mind at the beach-- the evanevence of each grain of life. Each little piece of sand as a reminder that life exists only with change. The ocean understand just as the ground beneath our feet. 

Do thoughts even matter until we give them a measure of importance? I know for sure that each breathe and each intention echoes throughout reality-- whether I be black or white, human or any other animal in the world.

Good Morning

Mornings are lovely. The world gets its last few moments of calm and nature starts her lively day.

There is something just so peaceful about the wind in the trees, birds chirping and a morning yoga session. All I can think while bein apart of a morning like this is "Breathe. Just breathe."

Yoga Transcends

As my Sunday Power Yoga class approached its end, my instructor brought up how yoga isn't a goal-oriented practice, it's about proper form. At the time I was in my state of post-yoga peace so I definitely agreed.

A few days later, what she had said came up in my thoughts again and I quickly analyzed the different ways I have looked at yoga.

When we make yoga a goal-oriented practice, we lose something-- not in the attempts to reach that goal, but during the success of reaching it. The 'now what?' feeling-- the forever presence of desire and dissatisfaction. No matter what goal we make we can achieve it but if it is made a desire, then we will always be left wanting something more.

If we give in--surrender-- to the universe through our practice, we accept that which we cannot control and embrace what we can: discipline. We can discipline our minds and bodies and release the negative energies so many of us harbor deep within. When we release them, we open ourselves to the simplicity of happiness. 

We can obtain this happiness within little other than our bodies and minds through practice.

We may begin doing it for fitness, health, or to show that we can, but what comes with it you cannot ignore. Releasing the negative energies we harbor within ourselves, opens space within ourselves. With this space, we can invite peace and relaxation. 

Yoga can be used for fitness or health. I've probably mentioned before but I started yoga because of my asthma. I wanted freedom. The second time I got into it was for fitness. I wanted to feel strong. I believe I have succeeded, for the most part, with both but I had not idea that I could get something even better.

There is a feeling, an energy that radiates through you, when you practice and it lingers in your life for as long as you practice and apply mindfulness to your thoughts and actions. This energy is unlike anything else and, although I could try to explain and describe it, it would not be the same. It's something that must be experienced. You will know when you feel it.