What Are Your Intentions?

I have been writing a daily intention in my journal since January 1st. I forgot yesterday (because my journal really was out of sight and out of mind) but so far I like writing in my  journal-- making an intention for my day, reflecting on anything and everything without holding back. It's nice to go back and look at the patterns of my mind and discern aspects of myself that require attention (i.e. being lazy or making poor eating habit choices). 

Today's intention started out as "to be present and drink up everything around me" which, you know, already sounds great but then I started walking through the library and caught myself shying away from looking into other people's eyes. I thought back to one of my YTT classes and remembered how special it was to look someone in the eye and just smile. 

And so, I did. I proceeded through my morning with so much to share and nothing to lose. I looked at the people around me, just observing them, my mind making connections with their walk and alignment but then I realized something else. Seeking out that connection, wanting to catch someone's eye just to share a smile with them, I realized I was being present.

My lunch break allowed me the opportunity to sit in a corner and be present with my meal, to take in the warmth of the tumeric on the mung beans, the sweetness of the basmanti rice, the crunch of spaghetti squash, the snap of the peas-- it was all nourishing to my body and my mind. After eating I could have read articles on my phone but instead I just sat and observed. I watched where others looked, the expressions they shared; I listened to the sound and tone of their voice, their gestures and posture. I was right there. 

And now I'm right here, writing to you. 

Here's to daily intentions.

Namaste. 

Namaste, 2016

Last year I set out to let go of the dark corners in my past, the depression, the disconnection to the world around me. I set the intention to become a better friend and give all that I can: 

"This year I hope to become better at giving all that I can. I hope to achieve a state in my yoga that will allow me to help reach out to others seeking peace and restore their faith in themselves. My deepest wish is for love-- for all beings to feel it engulf them and fill their lives with hope and generosity." 

That wish follows me into this new year, along with these new intentions.

After I stirred from the end of a beautiful New Years practice at the Lotus Pond, I was instructed to write down two things. 

On one notecard, we were told to write something we wanted to let go of that we could throw into the fire outside. On the other, an intention, a daily practice to help fulfill our intentions in the coming year. 

On one card I wrote, "Daily journaling, creating more: paint, music, classes, etc. Make daily intentions." 

And the other I wrote a slew of things I wanted to let go of. I circled certain words that I wanted to be sure the universe read: "Fear, doubt, laziness." I watched the paper burn in the flames, making sure it crumbled and became nothing more than a coal in the fire. I turned and walked away, knowing I am as free as I want to be-- as free as the air feeding the flames.

The intentions, I put in my wallet. Here (in my journal) I plant the seed for this year. 

I will complete my 200 YTT program in February and that alone really sheds light on the changes ahead, on the flowers that may bloom.

Today and every day, I wish all of you the clarity of finding the peace and beauty already within you.

Namaste

Feel the 'Sakti

OM Gam Ganapataye Namaha

I've said it in previous posts, my life has been spinning fast.
All around me, the world seems to move in fast forward and time has never been so precious. I see my day pass at work as if through a window. I try to keep busy, reading articles and doing whatever on the computer. For the most part I lack stimulation as an assistant and I don't really do much of anything when I am working at USF. I have been working every day, with the graciousness of the holidays off to keep me sane, but I've felt worn like a sweater in an endless dryer cycle-- a small part of me brushed away against the lint catch. The thought of leaving USF and keeping to Clearwater has crossed my mind numerous times and has been taken under serious consideration time and time again.
These past weeks I have found my mind shaken by stress and the overwhelming responsibilities of being a grown up. Friday night I reached inside myself and had a taste of the peace within me, my true self sitting in the oasis of my being.

Quieting my mind was more of a challenge than usual this past YTT weekend. The ghost of Tim's presence lingered everywhere I turned: the smell of lilies that bloomed too late for the funeral, the white birds returning to the pond, the chill in the air of a warm room; reminders of the energy he left behind.
I spent the weekend battling inside me, accepting the comfort of my friends' presence, and reminding myself of the revelations I had come to over the past two weeks. It wasn't until Sunday when the weekend had reached its dusk and we were handed mala beads that my mind settled in.
OM Gam Ganapataye Namaha. A mantra for removing obstacles.
The vibrations of every syllable, the brush of each bead on my thumb and the comfort of my sangha... I was finally home, in my mothers arms, listening to her heart beating-- the kiss of a drum's music stroking my ears.

Wherever my path weaves and bends, I'm taking it one step at a time.

OM Gam Ganapataye Namaha. This mantra follows me into the new year as I face the decisions and challenges ahead.

The Dwellers In These Bodies Are Eternal

This isn't the first time I've sat down to write and struggled with the emotions that churn inside me. This year has been heavy for me. I took a big step on my yogic journey by joining the 200 hour YTT(yoga teacher training program. I graduated college. With this height I gained sharp perspective of my dreams. I've had a lot to smile about.
Like with Osho's trees, with height comes equal proportion of depth.
THis year my grandmother passed away as did Andrew, a family pet from childhood. Both had long lives filled with love. However, the deepest of depths comes from the recent death of a new friend, one I was only just beginning to know.

His name was Tim Martin and he was in my training class. He always had a story to share and, I admit, at first I was intimidated. But as I began to see more and more of him I found he was very kind and had beautiful intentions. He helped nourish our class with everything he shared.

Last night I struggled with believing he was gone. I just saw him less than two weeks ago. I sifted through what information I could find on the internet, hoping that maybe I misread and he was recovering in the hospital. The weight of truth pulled me down and today I still feel heavy.

I am sad because violence took him from his family and from his potential future, filling the world with more lightness.

Death is scary because we don't fully understand it. What is even scarier is that there are people out there who have so much darkness in themselves that they would hurt another person. Our time here is short, and we don't know how short. Yes, we make the most of our days and love as much as we can but how do we cope when death steps into the room?

What has helped me with coping lately is what Nancy shared in one of our recent classes. She shared, and I paraphrase of course, "Western society sees death as very sad and final. In the east, death is a celebration of transformation."
Whether taken in old age or in violence, the transformation is made and I find this comforting. Our bodies die but what makes up who we are lives on in our loved ones and in the energy of the universe all around us. We are made of stars. Stars are made of us.

"These bodies are perishable, but the dwellers in these bodies are eternal, indestructible and impenetrable." -Bhagavad Gita

A Practice Rooted in Love

I'm not sure why it took me so long to get here-- not the feeling itself but the physical act of sharing the feeling.
A month ago I met one of the most amazing people in my life: Karen Stephan, my master teacher. My body holds the memories of the poses, smoothed out by external input. My mind holds onto the honesty and openness of her beautiful heart. My soul is light and feels just a little more free with gained wisdom.
During my previous YTT Saturday session, Karen shared how her life has woven into her teachings and how it will for us new teachers as well. I thought about how I didn't have anything that could be usefully applied to a yoga lesson/session. Yes, I know how to clean a house and can help people find information but how does that factor in?
On Sunday she gave me the answer. Not directly but it's as if she knew exactly what parts of her life to share with the class. I connected most when she talked about her recovery from insomnia and her walk in the woods with her father. Karen had explained to us that this was a dark time in her life.
During her walk in the woods, she asked her father what he would think if she walked in front of a car. He told her "Then your mother and I would no longer have anything to live for."
And something inside me opened, warmth flowed up into my head, welled up into my eyes. My parents have never had unique jobs and haven't been involved in any organizations. What could possible weave into my yoga practice that would resonate with anyone?
Love.
My life has never lacked in love. Back to the oldest memory I can reach, when I was sitting in the child seat of a bicycle behind my father, I felt it. I felt the wind whip around him, the balance of the motion sweet to my pleasantly simple mind. I was safe and I was loved.
From this moment of being on the bicycle, to every night of bedtime stories, to now when I see my parents maybe once every few months, I have love in my heart. It is this love-- this unconditional love-- that I see woven into my practice. The people I surround myself with are ingrained in this tradition of love in my life. My mind can plummet to dark places but then I reach for bits and pieces of light, of this glowing love, and I am lifted.
For a moment I thought I may not have anything special to give my future students. Then Karen shed her light upon my life, illuminating moments and memories.
It isn't just the way my inner knee moves to my outer knee in Virabhadrasana I & II (Warrior I & II); it isn't just the spaciousness that can be made under my arms; it isn't even the moment I felt my energy move so freely from toe to crown. The moment of warmth and connection to the love in my life-- just being in that moment-- is one that transcends time.

As One Into Eternity

"Together for all eternity" by RazielMB dA

When the earth begins to shake beneath our feet
and the stars refuse to shine,
When the weight of the sky tumbles to our shoulders
and there is  no star left in the sky,
Through the darkness,
Through fire and rubble,
We seek.

When the connection is made
between your eyes and mine,
When mountains and infernos
threaten all we've built,
Through the darkness,
Through fire and rubble,
We meet.

The moment of peace,
The moment of silence,
The moment of truth,
I am you
and you are me.

Take my hand and breathe in what is us.
The stillness of now,
the truth of time.
Through the darkness,
Through fire and rubble,
Let the world crumble;
it does not shake our peace.

Ego vs. Seva

I’m all over the place this past week. I had plans for both Saturday and Sunday but alas they were both canceled events. I wasn’t prepared to not have a plan. I ended up scrolling through much of Netflix, not really selecting anything, just reading the titles. My yoga mat sat by my desk looking tired.

I was stuck and in some ways I still am. My morning practice is stiff and by the time I’m warm I have to finish getting ready for work. Work has been slow and I am, quite simply, bored. I work on my website, read Elephant Journal articles, check my email even though nothing new has popped up, and thankfully accept tasks as they come up.

I haven’t written, I realize, in a little while. Well, I’ve written but I haven’t completed anything and I haven’t shared anything.

To get out of my funk, I pushed myself to work on some decorations for the office—school spirit themed. I painted some leaves, cut out the bull symbol; fun stuff.

Last night while I was cooking dinner, I was listening to Ted Talks. There was one about how we will never achieve our dreams, or something like that. The guy talked about how we go for good jobs but allow ourselves to be afraid of our dream jobs.

That got me thinking—what do I want but something is holding me back from moving forward. Ego. I’m getting so deep into thoughts of yoga and I get to work on it every week—is my Ego sabotaging my progress? Am I just afraid of not knowing? Well, yes, it is scary but I am hopeful. Hopeful that the beauty and grace that yoga brings to my mind and body is real. Hopeful that my practice continues to grow and that one day I will have the confidence to teach a class and help people feel the way I do when I just let go. Hopeful for freedom.

Then I think, what else are my fears/ ego holding me back from? What am I even afraid of anyway? I want to learn Japanese—at least enough to communicate when visiting Japan. I also want to learn Chinese because I’d like to communicate with people at the grocery store I shop at and expand my network. Not that my current network includes many people. (Ego). I also want to learn Spanish because it’s my background and it’s always awkward when people ask me if I’m Spanish and why I don’t speak the language.

I also want to be passionate. I want to be involved. Passionate about what? Well I’m passionate about the yoga community and the beautiful intentions and morals it comes with. I enjoy helping people—that’s why I’m at the library—but I want to do more. More than sit at a desk and wait for questions. It would be nice to go to the community and give them the opportunity to ask questions rather than seek me out to ask (doesn’t happen often since that’s not my role at the library). I am passionate about service and it’s scary because I don’t know how to go that route. I wasn’t taught to serve, I was taught to work, to cook, to clean, to make a family. How do I serve and pay the bills?

While waiting to hear back from job prospects I could be volunteering in my free time. I’ve begun looking into ways to help the community and now I’m recalling my conversations with my fellow YTT-ers. The community I’m passionate about wants to contribute in a field I am passionate about.

I may fail at my dream but the journey isn't worth it if it isn't my dream. Contentment is knowing that we have lived whether we succeed or fail. There is sweetness in every part of life and I will always remind myself. 

Now to take another step forward.