Yesterday's Day 3

It’s day 3 and I find myself being tugged to fall back into chaos of getting a list of things done. Yes, my list physically exists, and the actions on it I must do in order to progress in life. However, maybe sometimes we need to focus on what isn’t on the list—the actions we set aside for special occasions.

All those candles in the closet serve no purpose if you are waiting to use them for a special occasion. Light them, feel the natural glow they offer to the room. Add them to the dinner table and instantly you have a more intimate setting.

All the pencils, paints, and canvas tucked away for the perfect image are worthless—empty. Paint what you have now—it may prove to be a more powerful essence than your some-day-masterpiece.

Snuggle with your dog. Dogs sit by so often, quietly letting you work through the chaos set upon yourself. So often do they watch, saddened with how consumed you are with nonsense. If you can’t remember the last time you just sat and looked back at your dog (or cat), do it tonight. I implore you, look at your friend as they look at you. Feel whatever comes to you when you sit with them, then give them all the love you can.

I’m telling you these suggestions because they are also suggestions to myself. I am just like you, dear reader; I get caught up in the raging ocean of our society—the endless demands and desires that just have to be met because “they have to.”

Often times we let the list drive us through the day, dragging us through routes we don’t care for. If you find no peace in your list, your list has conquered you and you’ve lost. You’ve lost yourself if you forget what is not written on the list.

We need to remember that if we do not serve our own beliefs (i.e. the belief that what you do every day matters), then what are we serving? Often times, yes, it’s The Man (society) just so we can pay the bills. But if you’ve been stuck in actions that give you no joy, no vigor, then what does that serve? Discontent. You are in charge. Take charge.

Making Time for Yourself

There are 24 hours in a day. We sleep, on average, 8 hours a night, work for 8 hours, and commute for about 1 hour. That leaves you with about seven hours to deevy out between laundry, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of loved ones’ needs.

You have seven hours. That one hour your friend has available to spend with you seems much more valuable in this light. Those ten minutes it takes to read a bed time story to your children are so much more precious that you’ll find you’re okay with reading But No Elephants more than twice.

We put so much pressure on ourselves and each other in our society that we forget that time is a social agreement. Yes, the world spins, the universe expands, but right here, right now, is what matters. Stop counting and allowing anxiety of only having ten minutes to ruin the breaths within those moments—the life force.

Make it all count. If you must pay bills and clean the house, set a timer for yourself. Instead of cleaning while doing other chores, for those 30 minutes you must clean just clean with all your heart. Use cleaners that are kind to you and the Earth. Breathe. Then, when the timer is done, put the cleaning stuff away. You may not have gotten every dish or every hair on the floor, but there will always be more dirty dishes and more dirt to sweep. Let it go and relax knowing you did what you could.

Time measures nothing but itself.

National Yoga Month

In case you're wondering, I'm the one on the right side wearing a white shirt. My teeth decided they wanted to eat my smile.

Today is the beginning National YogaMonth.* Close your eyes. Exhale and gently push out any stale air in your lungs, all the way to the bottom lungs. Take in a deep breath; like a wave, let it lift up your stomach, your chest and then expand outward. Release. Let it all out.

In this single moment, you will have found an aspect of yoga. Our lives are so caught up in the business made norm by our society that we forget how our bodies are designed to breath—how the way we breath affects not only our heart rate but our mental state as well.

If you have found yourself curious about yoga, now would be a great month to look into it. Without a doubt you will find a near-endless supply of articles and how-to books on the asanas (postures). You may also find some on pranayama (breath work), and meditation. Whatever you look into, take joy in the accessibility to so many resources. It has never been easier to learn and educate ourselves on something new. If you want to learn more but you feel like you're drowning or you're just not sure where to start, I am more than happy to point you in the right direction. Don't be shy, let me know.

What is beautiful about yoga is that, this month can be about anything you want it to be. It can be about the asanas (postures); it can be about Ayurveda; it can be about the breath. The important part is that you make an attempt to reconnect with yourself. I'm not saying you need to go to a yoga retreat or an ashram (although that would be quite lovely). I just recommend taking a moment each day for yourself. Find a quiet place, get into a comfortable seated position and just breathe. Take the moment to be in the moment. If you find you'd like to move, give your body what it asks for. If your body is tired and sore you can just sit or lay down-- get comfortable for a few minutes at least. If your body is antsy and you have unspent energy, shake it out and move. Maybe do some asanas. 

It's okay to let this chunk of time be about you. You deserve it.

*Note: If you want to try out a yoga class or try a different type of class, the link at the beginning of this post will take you to the Yoga Heath Foundation. They are offering one free week of yoga classes at participating locations. 

-In- the -Out-doors

My first YTT weekend was more than I could have ever imagined. I think I learned and made more connections in that weekend than I had over the past two years of graduate school.

You can learn a lot from books but the depth at which you can go requires guidance and practice. Reading alone will not do.

There have been many moments in my life that I have felt very happy, but only about two of which accompanied the feeling of being exactly where I belong and want to be. The first was with Alex, the second was the first weekend at the Lotus Pond.

There was so much emotion and warmth running through me all weekend that it's hard to know where to start sharing and where to stop trying.

Much of the time in my training classes so far is devoted to alignment, posture, and subtly connecting with ourselves. When there is a break between it all we get a moment to reflect and share how we are feeling.

Someone in my class shared how they'd been going through a rough time and how the feeling of welcome and warmth shared in the room was exactly what they needed. I related strongly to her. It's safe to say that most of us students have found peace and happiness just by showing up.

I have had my doubts-- not just during the first weekend but also in the following weeks. “I'm no good, they're wasting their time working with me,” “I'll never get to breath with ease like other people,” “I'm not going to have enough time to devote to this.”

Like a cliff on the beach, all these doubts, all these negative thoughts are slowly being washed away; they reveal more and more of me.

Our ego is harmful to us. In order to fully bring yoga into our lives we must consider all the aspects surrounding negativity-- where did the thoughts originate from? I know that exploring my negativity has been difficult but every day I try.

Every day is there is a challenge to face. Often, this challenge is just stepping back and observing my thoughts and actions as they come.

The only thing truly capable of getting in the way of my success is myself. I think it's important that we address our doubts, see where they come from, then reinforce positivity to make what we want possible.

We invite space for happiness when we recognize negativity and release it. It takes time to identify what we hold onto but I feel like as long as you address it and then let it go when you realize it's harmful to you then, over time, you will recognize a weight off of your shoulders.

I know that the classes we have every Thursday really challenge me to let go of boundaries and embrace the company and open arms of my sangha (community).

Tonight started the beginning of the second big weekend. It's called “Deepening the Practice.” I'm not sure exactly what to expect but I know I'll be leaving the Pond with a little less weight on my shoulders each day.

Brought Up To Be On Guard

I've received homework from the Lotus Pond-- not just working on my personal practice but extending my heart out to all those around me with five random acts of kindness.

When I see videos like this, it makes me really want to get out there and do something similar. 

I've been brought up to be so fearful for myself-- that the world cannot be trusted; it's very difficult to find and embrace opportunities to help someone out in need. Fear that I will be hurt or taken advantage of bubbles up in my mind and I become overly logical. Oh, they probably have someone coming to help them. They might kidnap me. They are not in danger; they are probably just trying to take advantage of others.

I want so badly to reach out and help those in need but... I'm held back. 

I'm going to keep trying.

Semicolon

From xaik-, deviantArt

It was more than I could have ever hoped for...

The anxiety and fear of the past three years thrummed in my thoughts but I made sure to come just as I was asked: hopeful and open-hearted. I was greeted much the same by all those who are joining me on this journey. Surrounded by honest smiles, curious eyes, and open hearts, I began to think that this training program is going to be good.

We were moved to another, bigger room, where we all picked spots... then something miraculous happened. We were told to stand and breathe, shake off whatever baggage we acquired during the day. It was as if I had stepped back in time into my first yoga class. We did a few motions and brief breathing exercises and then, suddenly, I realized I belonged there. Then we were asked to explain how we were feeling in one word. I went first: "Happy."

From there I felt more and more connections with the people in the room. I know so little about the others but as the same time, I know all I need to know: we have embarked on a journey, and we are taking the voyage together. 

There was so much that happened, so much I felt in this one two-hour session just talking and discovering. I had thought I reached my maximum of happiness until they read quotes from some of the application essays submitted. Is this one mine? What did I write? 

So many voices, so much hope and longing for peace... these beautiful people were in very much the same spot as me-- wanting to find peace, help others, and find out more about themselves. 

Then they read the words I had written with three years of stored hope

     "The depression didn't go away but, when I started to do my morning yoga, I felt like I was opening my eyes and my lungs again. I began to find myself once more. I kept waking up and getting on the mat, knowing I was the only one who could pull myself up. With the love and help of family and friends I made myself again. I found my peace again."

And as I opened the file of my application, I realize that more than one of the quotes read off was mine. The other was: 

     "To me, yoga is the peace that comes with breath and physical exhaustion. Yoga is the peace that comes with realizing you just need to be present."

In the end it really doesn't matter if the quotes were mine or if none of them were mine; what does matter is that I found myself in each person I'm about to share this journey with.

It's Friday-- A Whole New Meaning

I start tonight and I am feeling so many emotions. Of course, I feel anxious about the mundane thoughts of Will my boss let me off early to get to the studio with ample time? Will yogurt be okay to eat before tonight? Should I wear yoga clothes tonight? I should have tried harder to get a refill on my inhaler earlier this week...
Then I think of deeper questions. Will I make connections with the people I share my training with? Will they want to make connections with me? Will my body be able to do what I need it to do? Will this matter? It matters to me.
As humans we are afraid of the unknown and this is relatively new territory for me.
Among all these questions and scattered thoughts, I am very excited. I find every now and then I yearn for a big change. Every time I have embraced change, it has pushed me out of my comfort zone but allowed me to find deeper happiness.
I have many hopes going into this program but I know that much of what happens is up to me. This is the type of program where I am in control and it's scary. I'm excited.