Brought Up To Be On Guard

I've received homework from the Lotus Pond-- not just working on my personal practice but extending my heart out to all those around me with five random acts of kindness.

When I see videos like this, it makes me really want to get out there and do something similar. 

I've been brought up to be so fearful for myself-- that the world cannot be trusted; it's very difficult to find and embrace opportunities to help someone out in need. Fear that I will be hurt or taken advantage of bubbles up in my mind and I become overly logical. Oh, they probably have someone coming to help them. They might kidnap me. They are not in danger; they are probably just trying to take advantage of others.

I want so badly to reach out and help those in need but... I'm held back. 

I'm going to keep trying.

Semicolon

From xaik-, deviantArt

It was more than I could have ever hoped for...

The anxiety and fear of the past three years thrummed in my thoughts but I made sure to come just as I was asked: hopeful and open-hearted. I was greeted much the same by all those who are joining me on this journey. Surrounded by honest smiles, curious eyes, and open hearts, I began to think that this training program is going to be good.

We were moved to another, bigger room, where we all picked spots... then something miraculous happened. We were told to stand and breathe, shake off whatever baggage we acquired during the day. It was as if I had stepped back in time into my first yoga class. We did a few motions and brief breathing exercises and then, suddenly, I realized I belonged there. Then we were asked to explain how we were feeling in one word. I went first: "Happy."

From there I felt more and more connections with the people in the room. I know so little about the others but as the same time, I know all I need to know: we have embarked on a journey, and we are taking the voyage together. 

There was so much that happened, so much I felt in this one two-hour session just talking and discovering. I had thought I reached my maximum of happiness until they read quotes from some of the application essays submitted. Is this one mine? What did I write? 

So many voices, so much hope and longing for peace... these beautiful people were in very much the same spot as me-- wanting to find peace, help others, and find out more about themselves. 

Then they read the words I had written with three years of stored hope

     "The depression didn't go away but, when I started to do my morning yoga, I felt like I was opening my eyes and my lungs again. I began to find myself once more. I kept waking up and getting on the mat, knowing I was the only one who could pull myself up. With the love and help of family and friends I made myself again. I found my peace again."

And as I opened the file of my application, I realize that more than one of the quotes read off was mine. The other was: 

     "To me, yoga is the peace that comes with breath and physical exhaustion. Yoga is the peace that comes with realizing you just need to be present."

In the end it really doesn't matter if the quotes were mine or if none of them were mine; what does matter is that I found myself in each person I'm about to share this journey with.

It's Friday-- A Whole New Meaning

I start tonight and I am feeling so many emotions. Of course, I feel anxious about the mundane thoughts of Will my boss let me off early to get to the studio with ample time? Will yogurt be okay to eat before tonight? Should I wear yoga clothes tonight? I should have tried harder to get a refill on my inhaler earlier this week...
Then I think of deeper questions. Will I make connections with the people I share my training with? Will they want to make connections with me? Will my body be able to do what I need it to do? Will this matter? It matters to me.
As humans we are afraid of the unknown and this is relatively new territory for me.
Among all these questions and scattered thoughts, I am very excited. I find every now and then I yearn for a big change. Every time I have embraced change, it has pushed me out of my comfort zone but allowed me to find deeper happiness.
I have many hopes going into this program but I know that much of what happens is up to me. This is the type of program where I am in control and it's scary. I'm excited.

Thoughts Preceding Yoga Classes

From magazinehive.com

As many of you already know I will be starting my Yoga Teacher Training in a couple of weeks.

I am filled with excitement for this prospect to finally come into fruition. I do have a lot of hopes for what I will accomplish and I'm not sure how much I will gain in mind and body.

There is a saying "If your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough." My dreams are pretty big because among my undeniable excitement is a distinct chilling presence of fear.
I'm afraid that I may not be good enough, or that, despite my capabilities, I will not be accepted anywhere to teach.
I have been addressing my fears for three years or so and, with the money down and my head in the books for this program, fear can't stop me now. I just hope I can make my body strong enough to perform the demands of my mind.

I know what to expect for the most part but I have been told that the experience I am about to participate in will be life-changing. Everyone I have met so far has been very kind and helpful and, in all honesty, I really hope to establish new friendships both in and outside of the program. It's really tough making friends when there are very limited interactions... and it's even more tough being so far from those I already hold close to my heart.

I have noticed that these struggles with establishing friendships and relationships are becoming more and more common in today's society. I have read numerous articles on the disconnect between people and how maybe technology contributes to that. Do we have our eyes on the screen so often that we miss chances? Do we let our lives pass us by?
I feel like we have good uses for our technologies, but agree that we do need to separate ourselves from it more often. I know that I need to revitalize my spirit every now and then with the fresh air of the outdoors. Camping, hiking, biking, canoeing-- it's all a way for me to slow down and just take in the world around me. It re-centers me and reminds me of what matters most.
Do you get enough fresh air?

The Week My World Changed

This week has been one of mixed feelings for me. So much has happened... life has happened.
It is with a heavy heart I share the knowledge of my grandmother's passing. This heavy heart pains from the pain of my mother. Grandma's body was breaking down until finally she went, kept from the pain of which ailed her with drugs and soothing sounds.
Monday, among this sadness, I received news that I passed my COMPS exam.
Shortly after, I was invited to an interview for a job at the USF Library.
Tuesday, I went to the interview. I forgot to put on chapstick and made chappy lip sounds and said "um" more than I care to share.
Thursday, I got a call saying I got the job.
I received a letter in the mail saying I need to give my loans back to the government because I am not eligible to receive them.
Friday, gay marriage is made legal.
I call and speak with ten different people at USF and discover I messed up with paperwork but someone else also really really messed up by falsely stating I took my COMPS exam and passed in the Spring.

... and here I am now... my mind heavy with the weight of both happiness and sadness. I am a believer of balance and, at this point right here-->., I have found the state of life.
Life, as an ever-changing, ever-flowing, state of being. I will return to this point many more times in my life, as is the norm for those who breathe and use the gifts of the earth. There are no words for feeling happiness and sadness. Many would say that I'm stressed but the state I am in goes far beyond; the weight both strengthens and weakens my spirit. I am sad that my mother is parted from her mother. I am excited to have passed my exam and that I got a job offer. I am ecstatic that there is more equality in our country. I am frustrated and terrified about my financial aid issue. I feel all of these states but, like the world keeps spinning after death, I am still here now: thinking of friends I miss, working on class assignments, petting Penny and Rinpoche, writing a blog post...

Some Florida Gardening Tips & How to Work With the Land

This is a video I found extremely necessary to share. If you're in Florida though, you need to consider the summer heat! A lot of things will not grow or will not grow well enough to be worth the effort during the summer. While we cannot grow much in the summer, we are fortunate to have two growing seasons here: Spring and Fall.
But you really want to get something from your garden during the summer? It's important to tend to your garden, to nurture, amend, and revitalize your soil. This off time will be beneficial to your garden. However, there are certainly options!
What can you grow that will thrive in Florida's awful heat?
Swiss Chard, Okra, and hot peppers. That isn't very much but the rest of the year is sure to give you a lot.

When Nothing But A Hug Will Do (for the days when you just really need one)

Hugs are the most physical comfort one being can give to another. They are a vital part of our well being and happiness. Yet, do we get enough? Are they all the same?
I receive a hug from my life partner every day and a kiss to match. About twice a week I receive one from a good friend. Every now and then I wrap my arms tight around my two little angels because there's always room to fill up with more love.
When we wrap our arms around someone we are opening ourselves physically but much of the time we are also opening up emotionally. To share a close space with another person and their energy can spark all kinds of emotions and help relieve many. For me, a hug from mom just helps me let everything go because I am home once again in her arms-- the first arms that ever truly held me.
But what about hugging someone that you've known for a long time but have never hugged? Well that is an interesting one. First, there is the necessity of a hardened reason and generally a request-- whether noted verbally or with gestures.
And then when it's confirmed that both parties agree to the necessity, the embrace is much like the birth of a plant. One day you are like how you always are and in a moment you are awakened out of your shell. This sort of hug doesn't transform you, it simply reveals what was already there-- the karma, as you will. It can either reveal great discomfort and a desire for continued strict professionalism or it can be the moment you realize you were stranger-friends all along.
In a single moment, when arms are wrapped and hearts are open and vulnerable, you learn to see all the seeds that were planted for this friendship. All the positive reinforcements, the attempts at brightening your day-- suddenly they are more obvious.
In a sense a hug is one of the most emotional physical gestures we can make. They can be a catalyst as demonstrated, comfort, longing, love, or a greeting of the highest caliber.
So the next time you hug someone-- really hug them-- determine your intentions with the embrace. There need be no shame or reservations, just give a good hug. You never know when someone really needs it (unless they tell you).