National Yoga Month

In case you're wondering, I'm the one on the right side wearing a white shirt. My teeth decided they wanted to eat my smile.

Today is the beginning National YogaMonth.* Close your eyes. Exhale and gently push out any stale air in your lungs, all the way to the bottom lungs. Take in a deep breath; like a wave, let it lift up your stomach, your chest and then expand outward. Release. Let it all out.

In this single moment, you will have found an aspect of yoga. Our lives are so caught up in the business made norm by our society that we forget how our bodies are designed to breath—how the way we breath affects not only our heart rate but our mental state as well.

If you have found yourself curious about yoga, now would be a great month to look into it. Without a doubt you will find a near-endless supply of articles and how-to books on the asanas (postures). You may also find some on pranayama (breath work), and meditation. Whatever you look into, take joy in the accessibility to so many resources. It has never been easier to learn and educate ourselves on something new. If you want to learn more but you feel like you're drowning or you're just not sure where to start, I am more than happy to point you in the right direction. Don't be shy, let me know.

What is beautiful about yoga is that, this month can be about anything you want it to be. It can be about the asanas (postures); it can be about Ayurveda; it can be about the breath. The important part is that you make an attempt to reconnect with yourself. I'm not saying you need to go to a yoga retreat or an ashram (although that would be quite lovely). I just recommend taking a moment each day for yourself. Find a quiet place, get into a comfortable seated position and just breathe. Take the moment to be in the moment. If you find you'd like to move, give your body what it asks for. If your body is tired and sore you can just sit or lay down-- get comfortable for a few minutes at least. If your body is antsy and you have unspent energy, shake it out and move. Maybe do some asanas. 

It's okay to let this chunk of time be about you. You deserve it.

*Note: If you want to try out a yoga class or try a different type of class, the link at the beginning of this post will take you to the Yoga Heath Foundation. They are offering one free week of yoga classes at participating locations. 

-In- the -Out-doors

My first YTT weekend was more than I could have ever imagined. I think I learned and made more connections in that weekend than I had over the past two years of graduate school.

You can learn a lot from books but the depth at which you can go requires guidance and practice. Reading alone will not do.

There have been many moments in my life that I have felt very happy, but only about two of which accompanied the feeling of being exactly where I belong and want to be. The first was with Alex, the second was the first weekend at the Lotus Pond.

There was so much emotion and warmth running through me all weekend that it's hard to know where to start sharing and where to stop trying.

Much of the time in my training classes so far is devoted to alignment, posture, and subtly connecting with ourselves. When there is a break between it all we get a moment to reflect and share how we are feeling.

Someone in my class shared how they'd been going through a rough time and how the feeling of welcome and warmth shared in the room was exactly what they needed. I related strongly to her. It's safe to say that most of us students have found peace and happiness just by showing up.

I have had my doubts-- not just during the first weekend but also in the following weeks. “I'm no good, they're wasting their time working with me,” “I'll never get to breath with ease like other people,” “I'm not going to have enough time to devote to this.”

Like a cliff on the beach, all these doubts, all these negative thoughts are slowly being washed away; they reveal more and more of me.

Our ego is harmful to us. In order to fully bring yoga into our lives we must consider all the aspects surrounding negativity-- where did the thoughts originate from? I know that exploring my negativity has been difficult but every day I try.

Every day is there is a challenge to face. Often, this challenge is just stepping back and observing my thoughts and actions as they come.

The only thing truly capable of getting in the way of my success is myself. I think it's important that we address our doubts, see where they come from, then reinforce positivity to make what we want possible.

We invite space for happiness when we recognize negativity and release it. It takes time to identify what we hold onto but I feel like as long as you address it and then let it go when you realize it's harmful to you then, over time, you will recognize a weight off of your shoulders.

I know that the classes we have every Thursday really challenge me to let go of boundaries and embrace the company and open arms of my sangha (community).

Tonight started the beginning of the second big weekend. It's called “Deepening the Practice.” I'm not sure exactly what to expect but I know I'll be leaving the Pond with a little less weight on my shoulders each day.

Brought Up To Be On Guard

I've received homework from the Lotus Pond-- not just working on my personal practice but extending my heart out to all those around me with five random acts of kindness.

When I see videos like this, it makes me really want to get out there and do something similar. 

I've been brought up to be so fearful for myself-- that the world cannot be trusted; it's very difficult to find and embrace opportunities to help someone out in need. Fear that I will be hurt or taken advantage of bubbles up in my mind and I become overly logical. Oh, they probably have someone coming to help them. They might kidnap me. They are not in danger; they are probably just trying to take advantage of others.

I want so badly to reach out and help those in need but... I'm held back. 

I'm going to keep trying.

Semicolon

From xaik-, deviantArt

It was more than I could have ever hoped for...

The anxiety and fear of the past three years thrummed in my thoughts but I made sure to come just as I was asked: hopeful and open-hearted. I was greeted much the same by all those who are joining me on this journey. Surrounded by honest smiles, curious eyes, and open hearts, I began to think that this training program is going to be good.

We were moved to another, bigger room, where we all picked spots... then something miraculous happened. We were told to stand and breathe, shake off whatever baggage we acquired during the day. It was as if I had stepped back in time into my first yoga class. We did a few motions and brief breathing exercises and then, suddenly, I realized I belonged there. Then we were asked to explain how we were feeling in one word. I went first: "Happy."

From there I felt more and more connections with the people in the room. I know so little about the others but as the same time, I know all I need to know: we have embarked on a journey, and we are taking the voyage together. 

There was so much that happened, so much I felt in this one two-hour session just talking and discovering. I had thought I reached my maximum of happiness until they read quotes from some of the application essays submitted. Is this one mine? What did I write? 

So many voices, so much hope and longing for peace... these beautiful people were in very much the same spot as me-- wanting to find peace, help others, and find out more about themselves. 

Then they read the words I had written with three years of stored hope

     "The depression didn't go away but, when I started to do my morning yoga, I felt like I was opening my eyes and my lungs again. I began to find myself once more. I kept waking up and getting on the mat, knowing I was the only one who could pull myself up. With the love and help of family and friends I made myself again. I found my peace again."

And as I opened the file of my application, I realize that more than one of the quotes read off was mine. The other was: 

     "To me, yoga is the peace that comes with breath and physical exhaustion. Yoga is the peace that comes with realizing you just need to be present."

In the end it really doesn't matter if the quotes were mine or if none of them were mine; what does matter is that I found myself in each person I'm about to share this journey with.

It's Friday-- A Whole New Meaning

I start tonight and I am feeling so many emotions. Of course, I feel anxious about the mundane thoughts of Will my boss let me off early to get to the studio with ample time? Will yogurt be okay to eat before tonight? Should I wear yoga clothes tonight? I should have tried harder to get a refill on my inhaler earlier this week...
Then I think of deeper questions. Will I make connections with the people I share my training with? Will they want to make connections with me? Will my body be able to do what I need it to do? Will this matter? It matters to me.
As humans we are afraid of the unknown and this is relatively new territory for me.
Among all these questions and scattered thoughts, I am very excited. I find every now and then I yearn for a big change. Every time I have embraced change, it has pushed me out of my comfort zone but allowed me to find deeper happiness.
I have many hopes going into this program but I know that much of what happens is up to me. This is the type of program where I am in control and it's scary. I'm excited.

Thoughts Preceding Yoga Classes

From magazinehive.com

As many of you already know I will be starting my Yoga Teacher Training in a couple of weeks.

I am filled with excitement for this prospect to finally come into fruition. I do have a lot of hopes for what I will accomplish and I'm not sure how much I will gain in mind and body.

There is a saying "If your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough." My dreams are pretty big because among my undeniable excitement is a distinct chilling presence of fear.
I'm afraid that I may not be good enough, or that, despite my capabilities, I will not be accepted anywhere to teach.
I have been addressing my fears for three years or so and, with the money down and my head in the books for this program, fear can't stop me now. I just hope I can make my body strong enough to perform the demands of my mind.

I know what to expect for the most part but I have been told that the experience I am about to participate in will be life-changing. Everyone I have met so far has been very kind and helpful and, in all honesty, I really hope to establish new friendships both in and outside of the program. It's really tough making friends when there are very limited interactions... and it's even more tough being so far from those I already hold close to my heart.

I have noticed that these struggles with establishing friendships and relationships are becoming more and more common in today's society. I have read numerous articles on the disconnect between people and how maybe technology contributes to that. Do we have our eyes on the screen so often that we miss chances? Do we let our lives pass us by?
I feel like we have good uses for our technologies, but agree that we do need to separate ourselves from it more often. I know that I need to revitalize my spirit every now and then with the fresh air of the outdoors. Camping, hiking, biking, canoeing-- it's all a way for me to slow down and just take in the world around me. It re-centers me and reminds me of what matters most.
Do you get enough fresh air?

The Week My World Changed

This week has been one of mixed feelings for me. So much has happened... life has happened.
It is with a heavy heart I share the knowledge of my grandmother's passing. This heavy heart pains from the pain of my mother. Grandma's body was breaking down until finally she went, kept from the pain of which ailed her with drugs and soothing sounds.
Monday, among this sadness, I received news that I passed my COMPS exam.
Shortly after, I was invited to an interview for a job at the USF Library.
Tuesday, I went to the interview. I forgot to put on chapstick and made chappy lip sounds and said "um" more than I care to share.
Thursday, I got a call saying I got the job.
I received a letter in the mail saying I need to give my loans back to the government because I am not eligible to receive them.
Friday, gay marriage is made legal.
I call and speak with ten different people at USF and discover I messed up with paperwork but someone else also really really messed up by falsely stating I took my COMPS exam and passed in the Spring.

... and here I am now... my mind heavy with the weight of both happiness and sadness. I am a believer of balance and, at this point right here-->., I have found the state of life.
Life, as an ever-changing, ever-flowing, state of being. I will return to this point many more times in my life, as is the norm for those who breathe and use the gifts of the earth. There are no words for feeling happiness and sadness. Many would say that I'm stressed but the state I am in goes far beyond; the weight both strengthens and weakens my spirit. I am sad that my mother is parted from her mother. I am excited to have passed my exam and that I got a job offer. I am ecstatic that there is more equality in our country. I am frustrated and terrified about my financial aid issue. I feel all of these states but, like the world keeps spinning after death, I am still here now: thinking of friends I miss, working on class assignments, petting Penny and Rinpoche, writing a blog post...