The Dwellers In These Bodies Are Eternal

This isn't the first time I've sat down to write and struggled with the emotions that churn inside me. This year has been heavy for me. I took a big step on my yogic journey by joining the 200 hour YTT(yoga teacher training program. I graduated college. With this height I gained sharp perspective of my dreams. I've had a lot to smile about.
Like with Osho's trees, with height comes equal proportion of depth.
THis year my grandmother passed away as did Andrew, a family pet from childhood. Both had long lives filled with love. However, the deepest of depths comes from the recent death of a new friend, one I was only just beginning to know.

His name was Tim Martin and he was in my training class. He always had a story to share and, I admit, at first I was intimidated. But as I began to see more and more of him I found he was very kind and had beautiful intentions. He helped nourish our class with everything he shared.

Last night I struggled with believing he was gone. I just saw him less than two weeks ago. I sifted through what information I could find on the internet, hoping that maybe I misread and he was recovering in the hospital. The weight of truth pulled me down and today I still feel heavy.

I am sad because violence took him from his family and from his potential future, filling the world with more lightness.

Death is scary because we don't fully understand it. What is even scarier is that there are people out there who have so much darkness in themselves that they would hurt another person. Our time here is short, and we don't know how short. Yes, we make the most of our days and love as much as we can but how do we cope when death steps into the room?

What has helped me with coping lately is what Nancy shared in one of our recent classes. She shared, and I paraphrase of course, "Western society sees death as very sad and final. In the east, death is a celebration of transformation."
Whether taken in old age or in violence, the transformation is made and I find this comforting. Our bodies die but what makes up who we are lives on in our loved ones and in the energy of the universe all around us. We are made of stars. Stars are made of us.

"These bodies are perishable, but the dwellers in these bodies are eternal, indestructible and impenetrable." -Bhagavad Gita

A Practice Rooted in Love

I'm not sure why it took me so long to get here-- not the feeling itself but the physical act of sharing the feeling.
A month ago I met one of the most amazing people in my life: Karen Stephan, my master teacher. My body holds the memories of the poses, smoothed out by external input. My mind holds onto the honesty and openness of her beautiful heart. My soul is light and feels just a little more free with gained wisdom.
During my previous YTT Saturday session, Karen shared how her life has woven into her teachings and how it will for us new teachers as well. I thought about how I didn't have anything that could be usefully applied to a yoga lesson/session. Yes, I know how to clean a house and can help people find information but how does that factor in?
On Sunday she gave me the answer. Not directly but it's as if she knew exactly what parts of her life to share with the class. I connected most when she talked about her recovery from insomnia and her walk in the woods with her father. Karen had explained to us that this was a dark time in her life.
During her walk in the woods, she asked her father what he would think if she walked in front of a car. He told her "Then your mother and I would no longer have anything to live for."
And something inside me opened, warmth flowed up into my head, welled up into my eyes. My parents have never had unique jobs and haven't been involved in any organizations. What could possible weave into my yoga practice that would resonate with anyone?
Love.
My life has never lacked in love. Back to the oldest memory I can reach, when I was sitting in the child seat of a bicycle behind my father, I felt it. I felt the wind whip around him, the balance of the motion sweet to my pleasantly simple mind. I was safe and I was loved.
From this moment of being on the bicycle, to every night of bedtime stories, to now when I see my parents maybe once every few months, I have love in my heart. It is this love-- this unconditional love-- that I see woven into my practice. The people I surround myself with are ingrained in this tradition of love in my life. My mind can plummet to dark places but then I reach for bits and pieces of light, of this glowing love, and I am lifted.
For a moment I thought I may not have anything special to give my future students. Then Karen shed her light upon my life, illuminating moments and memories.
It isn't just the way my inner knee moves to my outer knee in Virabhadrasana I & II (Warrior I & II); it isn't just the spaciousness that can be made under my arms; it isn't even the moment I felt my energy move so freely from toe to crown. The moment of warmth and connection to the love in my life-- just being in that moment-- is one that transcends time.

As One Into Eternity

"Together for all eternity" by RazielMB dA

When the earth begins to shake beneath our feet
and the stars refuse to shine,
When the weight of the sky tumbles to our shoulders
and there is  no star left in the sky,
Through the darkness,
Through fire and rubble,
We seek.

When the connection is made
between your eyes and mine,
When mountains and infernos
threaten all we've built,
Through the darkness,
Through fire and rubble,
We meet.

The moment of peace,
The moment of silence,
The moment of truth,
I am you
and you are me.

Take my hand and breathe in what is us.
The stillness of now,
the truth of time.
Through the darkness,
Through fire and rubble,
Let the world crumble;
it does not shake our peace.

Ego vs. Seva

I’m all over the place this past week. I had plans for both Saturday and Sunday but alas they were both canceled events. I wasn’t prepared to not have a plan. I ended up scrolling through much of Netflix, not really selecting anything, just reading the titles. My yoga mat sat by my desk looking tired.

I was stuck and in some ways I still am. My morning practice is stiff and by the time I’m warm I have to finish getting ready for work. Work has been slow and I am, quite simply, bored. I work on my website, read Elephant Journal articles, check my email even though nothing new has popped up, and thankfully accept tasks as they come up.

I haven’t written, I realize, in a little while. Well, I’ve written but I haven’t completed anything and I haven’t shared anything.

To get out of my funk, I pushed myself to work on some decorations for the office—school spirit themed. I painted some leaves, cut out the bull symbol; fun stuff.

Last night while I was cooking dinner, I was listening to Ted Talks. There was one about how we will never achieve our dreams, or something like that. The guy talked about how we go for good jobs but allow ourselves to be afraid of our dream jobs.

That got me thinking—what do I want but something is holding me back from moving forward. Ego. I’m getting so deep into thoughts of yoga and I get to work on it every week—is my Ego sabotaging my progress? Am I just afraid of not knowing? Well, yes, it is scary but I am hopeful. Hopeful that the beauty and grace that yoga brings to my mind and body is real. Hopeful that my practice continues to grow and that one day I will have the confidence to teach a class and help people feel the way I do when I just let go. Hopeful for freedom.

Then I think, what else are my fears/ ego holding me back from? What am I even afraid of anyway? I want to learn Japanese—at least enough to communicate when visiting Japan. I also want to learn Chinese because I’d like to communicate with people at the grocery store I shop at and expand my network. Not that my current network includes many people. (Ego). I also want to learn Spanish because it’s my background and it’s always awkward when people ask me if I’m Spanish and why I don’t speak the language.

I also want to be passionate. I want to be involved. Passionate about what? Well I’m passionate about the yoga community and the beautiful intentions and morals it comes with. I enjoy helping people—that’s why I’m at the library—but I want to do more. More than sit at a desk and wait for questions. It would be nice to go to the community and give them the opportunity to ask questions rather than seek me out to ask (doesn’t happen often since that’s not my role at the library). I am passionate about service and it’s scary because I don’t know how to go that route. I wasn’t taught to serve, I was taught to work, to cook, to clean, to make a family. How do I serve and pay the bills?

While waiting to hear back from job prospects I could be volunteering in my free time. I’ve begun looking into ways to help the community and now I’m recalling my conversations with my fellow YTT-ers. The community I’m passionate about wants to contribute in a field I am passionate about.

I may fail at my dream but the journey isn't worth it if it isn't my dream. Contentment is knowing that we have lived whether we succeed or fail. There is sweetness in every part of life and I will always remind myself. 

Now to take another step forward. 

Wabi-Sabi

Three years ago today.
You hear people say it all the time: "It's funny how time flies by."
And it really is funny because one moment you are waiting to go to yoga class and then three years later you are in Yoga Teacher Training.
I wish I could say I knew I wanted to work on becoming a yoga teacher.
 If I felt then how I felt now, well, I would have said "I love you" to Alex first; I would have changed my major to Exercise Science or Health to be a nutritionist. I wouldn't have let myself be so afraid of failing science courses-- or afraid of anything else so petty.
There are a lot of things that the person I am right now would have done differently if sent back in time. The fact is that I'm here. I made all the choices I made in the past and without them, I may be somewhere different. Instead of writing this during my slow time at the library, I may not have ever written this.
Every moment has a purpose-- the one you give to it.
So this moment, three years ago today, is a reflection of my hopes today.
Someday in the future I will once again be asking people to let me be a part of their day. I hope to share some of the beauty this life has to offer. I hope to ask them to leave their troubles at the door with their shoes and bring their mats in with their hearts. I hope to be the teacher they deserve and a friend they can turn to when life just isn't what they thought it would be.

There is a Japanese a phrase Wabi-Sabi, it is a way of living that emphasizes finding beauty in imperfection, and accepting the natural cycle of growth and decay.

More and more my yoga practice supports Wabi-Sabi; accepting who I am today, where my body is at. I see the improvements that can be made but I also honor myself as I am-- beautiful in this moment, in this world.

Gears in the machine

Today one of my coworker's friends died.

Upon discovery, there was a moment of silence, a weight in the air. 

I held her and comforted her with a warm hand on her back. +

Then others did the same. 

Then she was left in her seat. The humming of machines continued.

What do you say when this occurs? I've become comfortable with silence-- allowing the person in pain to be in that state, to feel how they feel.

Others say "Calm down, don't get yourself sick."

But, really, don't we feel worse when we hold the sadness in? Don't we poison ourselves when we try to contain the uncontainable? The weight can be crushing, piercing, and even debilitating. 

And yet when such events are discovered at work, we are expected to keep working the machine of our job. We are expected to continue on as if nothing had happened.

Yes, we continue our lives and work after someone close has passed on but shouldn't everyone be granted some time to mourn? 

We are emotional creatures. Even when we practice aparigraha (nongrasping/attachment) we still feel. Emotions take time to process and accept. 

Is our society so uncomfortable with death that we would rather push a gear in a machine even though it is missing a tooth?

A lot of work environments out there do understand but I'm not sure how I feel about those that brush raw humanity to the side.

Ishvara-Pranidhana : Let the universe guide you

by gimgams, dA

This journey can be challenging sometimes. Not just with getting onto the mat (TAPAS!) but also deciphering new feelings and thoughts that come with diving deeper into myself. Discovering what I truly want is frightening because often I'm not sure how to make the proper motions.
So far I've found I don't want a full time job, but I need to make enough to pay bills. I've always known I want to help people but now I see that I want to give them the opportunity to break free from our society's norms and discover true health and wellness (i.e. gardening, yoga, food).

I have also found that I truly enjoy simple foods, not just because they're easier to make but also because I can taste each aspect of the meal: the nuttiness of quinoa, the umami of different mushrooms, the sweetness of a banana, the crunchiness of fresh cooked green beans, the crispness granted with fresh lemon juice in water.
My joy of simplicity extends out into other aspects of my life as well: the sound of natural running water, the warmth of Penny's belly, Alex's full-hearted laugh, the colors of blue in nature all around me, the feeling of being in a house made of logs (Lotus Pond, my Uncle's home on Bear Mountain NY), the feeling I get when looking at the colors granted to the sky as the sun rises and falls.

Maybe the proper motions are just doing what I enjoy doing and putting my all into it. This weekend Larissa, my pranayama teacher, touched on Ishvara-Pranidhana, the idea of letting the universe guide you. She shared how she's gotten where she is today by taking what opportunities are given to her and building from there. She doesn't seek out jobs, they come to her.
It is a rather difficult concept to get my western mind wrapped around it but I think the idea really stems from the power of initial inquiry: you touch the surface of the water with a stick one time and it ripples, the water is unsettled and shifts-- options move towards you.
So the lesson is, do what you love, the rest will come.


Another article that talks about going with the flow of the universe: The Real Meaning of Go With the Flow by Sara Tomassini.

A ladybug with a broken wing

by FatimaZahraeM, dA

Climb up each twig and leaf, every sprig and chip. 
You reach the top and move around, feeling the warmth of the sun. 
You open the other wing to match the one that won't close. You feel the wind and you release your hold. You fall.
You pull yourself up and climb once more to the summit. You try again. And you fall again. 
I watch you as you try , wondering what to do. You are only given two and one is hurt. 
I pick the limb that holds you high and look closer. You are calm, afraid for more reasons than one. 
I touch the extended wing feeling what you have lost. 
I stare. 
You stare.

I place you down and you lay still in the shade. 
A moment passes and you begin again. Trying and trying and trying again. 
Then you just stay at the top, the weight of what cannot be fixed grounding you to the peak of your branch. 
There you stay. 
What you think about I will never know but in this moment little bug know that you were not alone.

Peace, Life & Reflection

This past week has been chaotic as so often it can be. 

Last Friday morning I had a beautiful personal practice. Forty minutes of just me, my mat, and some music. The day was off to a pleasant start. Alex and I went out to get some dairy free yogurt at Whole Foods. Then my car expressed real distress and earned the label of unreliable. There was a part that needed to be replaced and because of the design of my car, Alex was uncomfortable doing the labor himself. (No yogurt was spoiled, thankfully)

Then, Sunday, Alex's car decides to just not start while we are out grocery shopping. (We had tofu with us).

My reaction when both happened? 

Okay.

Just a sincere sense of calm. 

Perhaps it was the start to the weekend that made the calm possible-- my release of any stress and concerns allowed for fresh ones to be addressed properly. Perhaps it was because Alex and I were together. So often we have gotten out of wack when chaos finds its way into our day. I've found we so often do better together.

It has been some of the most inopportune times for these events to occur-- both because of cold foods and finances. Practicing yoga physically and mentally, I've found a healthy way to work through conflict: with serenity and compassion.

In light of this day, September 11th, these troubles are very petty-- and that is why stress does not serve me or anyone in situations like that. I am here today and I am as free as I allow myself to be. My heart goes out to those of you who have feel the pain from hatred and fear years ago on this day. May love help you help your heart, your body and your mind. 

So much was hijacked that day; it wasn't just planes or lives. A whole culture was hijacked and tarnished in front of the world. Extremists are the cause, just as they always have been. 

I leave you today with peaceful, loving wishes. May your heart find balance and compassion so that the spirit within you is fed with more light than darkness. 

Om shanti.

Penny for a Selfie

In order for there to be joy in the sunshine, we have to take in some rain.

Stillness in the Water

Stillness amidst life
Ripples in the water
Thoughts in the mind
Breathe
Ripples soften
Water becomes transparent
Within the stillness is deeper knowledge.
Particles within molecules
Molecules within water
Life in the water
Life in the breath

Yesterday's Day 3

It’s day 3 and I find myself being tugged to fall back into chaos of getting a list of things done. Yes, my list physically exists, and the actions on it I must do in order to progress in life. However, maybe sometimes we need to focus on what isn’t on the list—the actions we set aside for special occasions.

All those candles in the closet serve no purpose if you are waiting to use them for a special occasion. Light them, feel the natural glow they offer to the room. Add them to the dinner table and instantly you have a more intimate setting.

All the pencils, paints, and canvas tucked away for the perfect image are worthless—empty. Paint what you have now—it may prove to be a more powerful essence than your some-day-masterpiece.

Snuggle with your dog. Dogs sit by so often, quietly letting you work through the chaos set upon yourself. So often do they watch, saddened with how consumed you are with nonsense. If you can’t remember the last time you just sat and looked back at your dog (or cat), do it tonight. I implore you, look at your friend as they look at you. Feel whatever comes to you when you sit with them, then give them all the love you can.

I’m telling you these suggestions because they are also suggestions to myself. I am just like you, dear reader; I get caught up in the raging ocean of our society—the endless demands and desires that just have to be met because “they have to.”

Often times we let the list drive us through the day, dragging us through routes we don’t care for. If you find no peace in your list, your list has conquered you and you’ve lost. You’ve lost yourself if you forget what is not written on the list.

We need to remember that if we do not serve our own beliefs (i.e. the belief that what you do every day matters), then what are we serving? Often times, yes, it’s The Man (society) just so we can pay the bills. But if you’ve been stuck in actions that give you no joy, no vigor, then what does that serve? Discontent. You are in charge. Take charge.

Making Time for Yourself

There are 24 hours in a day. We sleep, on average, 8 hours a night, work for 8 hours, and commute for about 1 hour. That leaves you with about seven hours to deevy out between laundry, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of loved ones’ needs.

You have seven hours. That one hour your friend has available to spend with you seems much more valuable in this light. Those ten minutes it takes to read a bed time story to your children are so much more precious that you’ll find you’re okay with reading But No Elephants more than twice.

We put so much pressure on ourselves and each other in our society that we forget that time is a social agreement. Yes, the world spins, the universe expands, but right here, right now, is what matters. Stop counting and allowing anxiety of only having ten minutes to ruin the breaths within those moments—the life force.

Make it all count. If you must pay bills and clean the house, set a timer for yourself. Instead of cleaning while doing other chores, for those 30 minutes you must clean just clean with all your heart. Use cleaners that are kind to you and the Earth. Breathe. Then, when the timer is done, put the cleaning stuff away. You may not have gotten every dish or every hair on the floor, but there will always be more dirty dishes and more dirt to sweep. Let it go and relax knowing you did what you could.

Time measures nothing but itself.

National Yoga Month

In case you're wondering, I'm the one on the right side wearing a white shirt. My teeth decided they wanted to eat my smile.

Today is the beginning National YogaMonth.* Close your eyes. Exhale and gently push out any stale air in your lungs, all the way to the bottom lungs. Take in a deep breath; like a wave, let it lift up your stomach, your chest and then expand outward. Release. Let it all out.

In this single moment, you will have found an aspect of yoga. Our lives are so caught up in the business made norm by our society that we forget how our bodies are designed to breath—how the way we breath affects not only our heart rate but our mental state as well.

If you have found yourself curious about yoga, now would be a great month to look into it. Without a doubt you will find a near-endless supply of articles and how-to books on the asanas (postures). You may also find some on pranayama (breath work), and meditation. Whatever you look into, take joy in the accessibility to so many resources. It has never been easier to learn and educate ourselves on something new. If you want to learn more but you feel like you're drowning or you're just not sure where to start, I am more than happy to point you in the right direction. Don't be shy, let me know.

What is beautiful about yoga is that, this month can be about anything you want it to be. It can be about the asanas (postures); it can be about Ayurveda; it can be about the breath. The important part is that you make an attempt to reconnect with yourself. I'm not saying you need to go to a yoga retreat or an ashram (although that would be quite lovely). I just recommend taking a moment each day for yourself. Find a quiet place, get into a comfortable seated position and just breathe. Take the moment to be in the moment. If you find you'd like to move, give your body what it asks for. If your body is tired and sore you can just sit or lay down-- get comfortable for a few minutes at least. If your body is antsy and you have unspent energy, shake it out and move. Maybe do some asanas. 

It's okay to let this chunk of time be about you. You deserve it.

*Note: If you want to try out a yoga class or try a different type of class, the link at the beginning of this post will take you to the Yoga Heath Foundation. They are offering one free week of yoga classes at participating locations. 

-In- the -Out-doors

My first YTT weekend was more than I could have ever imagined. I think I learned and made more connections in that weekend than I had over the past two years of graduate school.

You can learn a lot from books but the depth at which you can go requires guidance and practice. Reading alone will not do.

There have been many moments in my life that I have felt very happy, but only about two of which accompanied the feeling of being exactly where I belong and want to be. The first was with Alex, the second was the first weekend at the Lotus Pond.

There was so much emotion and warmth running through me all weekend that it's hard to know where to start sharing and where to stop trying.

Much of the time in my training classes so far is devoted to alignment, posture, and subtly connecting with ourselves. When there is a break between it all we get a moment to reflect and share how we are feeling.

Someone in my class shared how they'd been going through a rough time and how the feeling of welcome and warmth shared in the room was exactly what they needed. I related strongly to her. It's safe to say that most of us students have found peace and happiness just by showing up.

I have had my doubts-- not just during the first weekend but also in the following weeks. “I'm no good, they're wasting their time working with me,” “I'll never get to breath with ease like other people,” “I'm not going to have enough time to devote to this.”

Like a cliff on the beach, all these doubts, all these negative thoughts are slowly being washed away; they reveal more and more of me.

Our ego is harmful to us. In order to fully bring yoga into our lives we must consider all the aspects surrounding negativity-- where did the thoughts originate from? I know that exploring my negativity has been difficult but every day I try.

Every day is there is a challenge to face. Often, this challenge is just stepping back and observing my thoughts and actions as they come.

The only thing truly capable of getting in the way of my success is myself. I think it's important that we address our doubts, see where they come from, then reinforce positivity to make what we want possible.

We invite space for happiness when we recognize negativity and release it. It takes time to identify what we hold onto but I feel like as long as you address it and then let it go when you realize it's harmful to you then, over time, you will recognize a weight off of your shoulders.

I know that the classes we have every Thursday really challenge me to let go of boundaries and embrace the company and open arms of my sangha (community).

Tonight started the beginning of the second big weekend. It's called “Deepening the Practice.” I'm not sure exactly what to expect but I know I'll be leaving the Pond with a little less weight on my shoulders each day.

Brought Up To Be On Guard

I've received homework from the Lotus Pond-- not just working on my personal practice but extending my heart out to all those around me with five random acts of kindness.

When I see videos like this, it makes me really want to get out there and do something similar. 

I've been brought up to be so fearful for myself-- that the world cannot be trusted; it's very difficult to find and embrace opportunities to help someone out in need. Fear that I will be hurt or taken advantage of bubbles up in my mind and I become overly logical. Oh, they probably have someone coming to help them. They might kidnap me. They are not in danger; they are probably just trying to take advantage of others.

I want so badly to reach out and help those in need but... I'm held back. 

I'm going to keep trying.

Semicolon

From xaik-, deviantArt

It was more than I could have ever hoped for...

The anxiety and fear of the past three years thrummed in my thoughts but I made sure to come just as I was asked: hopeful and open-hearted. I was greeted much the same by all those who are joining me on this journey. Surrounded by honest smiles, curious eyes, and open hearts, I began to think that this training program is going to be good.

We were moved to another, bigger room, where we all picked spots... then something miraculous happened. We were told to stand and breathe, shake off whatever baggage we acquired during the day. It was as if I had stepped back in time into my first yoga class. We did a few motions and brief breathing exercises and then, suddenly, I realized I belonged there. Then we were asked to explain how we were feeling in one word. I went first: "Happy."

From there I felt more and more connections with the people in the room. I know so little about the others but as the same time, I know all I need to know: we have embarked on a journey, and we are taking the voyage together. 

There was so much that happened, so much I felt in this one two-hour session just talking and discovering. I had thought I reached my maximum of happiness until they read quotes from some of the application essays submitted. Is this one mine? What did I write? 

So many voices, so much hope and longing for peace... these beautiful people were in very much the same spot as me-- wanting to find peace, help others, and find out more about themselves. 

Then they read the words I had written with three years of stored hope

     "The depression didn't go away but, when I started to do my morning yoga, I felt like I was opening my eyes and my lungs again. I began to find myself once more. I kept waking up and getting on the mat, knowing I was the only one who could pull myself up. With the love and help of family and friends I made myself again. I found my peace again."

And as I opened the file of my application, I realize that more than one of the quotes read off was mine. The other was: 

     "To me, yoga is the peace that comes with breath and physical exhaustion. Yoga is the peace that comes with realizing you just need to be present."

In the end it really doesn't matter if the quotes were mine or if none of them were mine; what does matter is that I found myself in each person I'm about to share this journey with.

It's Friday-- A Whole New Meaning

I start tonight and I am feeling so many emotions. Of course, I feel anxious about the mundane thoughts of Will my boss let me off early to get to the studio with ample time? Will yogurt be okay to eat before tonight? Should I wear yoga clothes tonight? I should have tried harder to get a refill on my inhaler earlier this week...
Then I think of deeper questions. Will I make connections with the people I share my training with? Will they want to make connections with me? Will my body be able to do what I need it to do? Will this matter? It matters to me.
As humans we are afraid of the unknown and this is relatively new territory for me.
Among all these questions and scattered thoughts, I am very excited. I find every now and then I yearn for a big change. Every time I have embraced change, it has pushed me out of my comfort zone but allowed me to find deeper happiness.
I have many hopes going into this program but I know that much of what happens is up to me. This is the type of program where I am in control and it's scary. I'm excited.

Thoughts Preceding Yoga Classes

From magazinehive.com

As many of you already know I will be starting my Yoga Teacher Training in a couple of weeks.

I am filled with excitement for this prospect to finally come into fruition. I do have a lot of hopes for what I will accomplish and I'm not sure how much I will gain in mind and body.

There is a saying "If your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough." My dreams are pretty big because among my undeniable excitement is a distinct chilling presence of fear.
I'm afraid that I may not be good enough, or that, despite my capabilities, I will not be accepted anywhere to teach.
I have been addressing my fears for three years or so and, with the money down and my head in the books for this program, fear can't stop me now. I just hope I can make my body strong enough to perform the demands of my mind.

I know what to expect for the most part but I have been told that the experience I am about to participate in will be life-changing. Everyone I have met so far has been very kind and helpful and, in all honesty, I really hope to establish new friendships both in and outside of the program. It's really tough making friends when there are very limited interactions... and it's even more tough being so far from those I already hold close to my heart.

I have noticed that these struggles with establishing friendships and relationships are becoming more and more common in today's society. I have read numerous articles on the disconnect between people and how maybe technology contributes to that. Do we have our eyes on the screen so often that we miss chances? Do we let our lives pass us by?
I feel like we have good uses for our technologies, but agree that we do need to separate ourselves from it more often. I know that I need to revitalize my spirit every now and then with the fresh air of the outdoors. Camping, hiking, biking, canoeing-- it's all a way for me to slow down and just take in the world around me. It re-centers me and reminds me of what matters most.
Do you get enough fresh air?

The Week My World Changed

This week has been one of mixed feelings for me. So much has happened... life has happened.
It is with a heavy heart I share the knowledge of my grandmother's passing. This heavy heart pains from the pain of my mother. Grandma's body was breaking down until finally she went, kept from the pain of which ailed her with drugs and soothing sounds.
Monday, among this sadness, I received news that I passed my COMPS exam.
Shortly after, I was invited to an interview for a job at the USF Library.
Tuesday, I went to the interview. I forgot to put on chapstick and made chappy lip sounds and said "um" more than I care to share.
Thursday, I got a call saying I got the job.
I received a letter in the mail saying I need to give my loans back to the government because I am not eligible to receive them.
Friday, gay marriage is made legal.
I call and speak with ten different people at USF and discover I messed up with paperwork but someone else also really really messed up by falsely stating I took my COMPS exam and passed in the Spring.

... and here I am now... my mind heavy with the weight of both happiness and sadness. I am a believer of balance and, at this point right here-->., I have found the state of life.
Life, as an ever-changing, ever-flowing, state of being. I will return to this point many more times in my life, as is the norm for those who breathe and use the gifts of the earth. There are no words for feeling happiness and sadness. Many would say that I'm stressed but the state I am in goes far beyond; the weight both strengthens and weakens my spirit. I am sad that my mother is parted from her mother. I am excited to have passed my exam and that I got a job offer. I am ecstatic that there is more equality in our country. I am frustrated and terrified about my financial aid issue. I feel all of these states but, like the world keeps spinning after death, I am still here now: thinking of friends I miss, working on class assignments, petting Penny and Rinpoche, writing a blog post...

Some Florida Gardening Tips & How to Work With the Land

This is a video I found extremely necessary to share. If you're in Florida though, you need to consider the summer heat! A lot of things will not grow or will not grow well enough to be worth the effort during the summer. While we cannot grow much in the summer, we are fortunate to have two growing seasons here: Spring and Fall.
But you really want to get something from your garden during the summer? It's important to tend to your garden, to nurture, amend, and revitalize your soil. This off time will be beneficial to your garden. However, there are certainly options!
What can you grow that will thrive in Florida's awful heat?
Swiss Chard, Okra, and hot peppers. That isn't very much but the rest of the year is sure to give you a lot.

When Nothing But A Hug Will Do (for the days when you just really need one)

Hugs are the most physical comfort one being can give to another. They are a vital part of our well being and happiness. Yet, do we get enough? Are they all the same?
I receive a hug from my life partner every day and a kiss to match. About twice a week I receive one from a good friend. Every now and then I wrap my arms tight around my two little angels because there's always room to fill up with more love.
When we wrap our arms around someone we are opening ourselves physically but much of the time we are also opening up emotionally. To share a close space with another person and their energy can spark all kinds of emotions and help relieve many. For me, a hug from mom just helps me let everything go because I am home once again in her arms-- the first arms that ever truly held me.
But what about hugging someone that you've known for a long time but have never hugged? Well that is an interesting one. First, there is the necessity of a hardened reason and generally a request-- whether noted verbally or with gestures.
And then when it's confirmed that both parties agree to the necessity, the embrace is much like the birth of a plant. One day you are like how you always are and in a moment you are awakened out of your shell. This sort of hug doesn't transform you, it simply reveals what was already there-- the karma, as you will. It can either reveal great discomfort and a desire for continued strict professionalism or it can be the moment you realize you were stranger-friends all along.
In a single moment, when arms are wrapped and hearts are open and vulnerable, you learn to see all the seeds that were planted for this friendship. All the positive reinforcements, the attempts at brightening your day-- suddenly they are more obvious.
In a sense a hug is one of the most emotional physical gestures we can make. They can be a catalyst as demonstrated, comfort, longing, love, or a greeting of the highest caliber.
So the next time you hug someone-- really hug them-- determine your intentions with the embrace. There need be no shame or reservations, just give a good hug. You never know when someone really needs it (unless they tell you).

Sewing Fails and Cosplay Tales

After my month and a half craze of getting our cosplays done for MegaCon, I've acquired a lot more knowledge than I thought I needed. This knowledge includes how to use my sewing machine, how to sew a zipper, how to alter an existing article of clothing and so on. The most important aspects I learned this past month were my mistakes. I can blab all about how to made my beth romper (which needs a do-over but was pretty kick butt for my absolute first) or how to put together my airbender costume (so happy but still room for improvement) but I find that the best help to give anyone out there wanting to cosplay but lacking in skill-confidence or are just not sure where to start.

TIPS:

• First of all, you MUST MUST MUST pick something you love. And when I say this I don't mean some super frilly, layered, armored, adorned, elaborate outfit; I mean a character that you really like that has a fairly simple outfit. Accessories are cool-- they help bring it all together, but focus on the basics then go from there. 
• Also, if you are doing a simple costume, don't make it complicated, for example, making Beth's (Bravest Warriors) outfit into a romper (like I did). It looked nice and it helped me achieve the look I wanted but I would have been less stressed and happier if I just did high-waist-ed shorts with a grey top. Sometimes certain shapes with characters just aren't possible without learning new techniques and my goodness did I learn a lot.
• Make sure you measure three times before cutting. 
• If you're using existing clothes to make your own pattern for parts of a cosplay, make sure you are considering the type of fabric. A stretch fabric on a tank top will not make a pattern for jersey fabric. (In all honesty, if there's a pattern out there that will get you close to what you need, get the pattern and follow it's recommendations for fabric, seam allowance, etc.-- this is supposed to be fun and you don't want to discourage yourself by making everything difficult your first time)
• Never go to Joann's without a coupon-- they send them every week in email and every month in USPS mail.
• Don't forget to consider hem allowance: don't skip it or skimp on it but also don't over do it. 
• Most importantly, don't procrastinate! Give yourself time to work with challenges and accrue the materials you need.
• Party City wigs really don't last longer than a day... the hair was literally coming out constantly and it had a weird shine to it. Refer to Epic Cosplay or Arda Wigs. I bought an Epic Cosplay wig and, well, you can see the difference:

Party City Wig

Epic Cosplay Wig

• But if all you can get is Party City, I definitely think having a wig helps you along with your cosplay and helps you stand out better in pictures.

• Cosplaying is fun. It's even more fun when people recognize you and ask to take pictures. If you are doing a more obscure or a lesser known character, don't be upset if people don't ask you for pictures. Most people will look and feel like they know who you are but don't want to be embarassed when they ask who you are. So, if your goal is to get attention, do better known characters. 

• Try and find out if there are meetups for characters associated with yours. There was an avatar meetup on Saturday but Alex and I didn't wear our costumes until Sunday. Trust me, finding people who are cosplaying from your character's universe is even more fun than walking around the con feeling out of place among all the Sailor Moons and Dead Pools.
• Bring a water bottle-- the fountains are free to use. Also, bring snacks and sandwiches; crappy pizza is expensive at conventions. So is the sushi and soup.

The Tales!:

I'm very happy we went all three days because it gave us a chance to experience every aspect of the convention. Friday is the perfect day to make thorough rounds in the vendor hall; it is the least busy day of the week. Not only will you be able to walk down the aisles without doing the penguin shuffle but you will also be able to converse with the vendors and get first pick of what's available.

Alex and I had thought to not buy anything the first day, which is good for restraint purposes, but the prices don't really change from Friday to Sunday (at least not that I noticed at MegaCon). So, if you are really wanting that nemuneko in a pig suit plushie but you set it down and you walk away feeling like you shouldn't have set it down-- run back and get that plushie! It's not something you can just get anywhere and, trust me, I've been hunting for the past couple hours, it's not easy to find specific nemuneko plushies online.

Saturday is a great day to wear your notable cosplays (or the ones you are most proud of). This is the busiest day of the weekend, so it might be better to avoid the vendor hall unless you want to try for that plushie you didn't get the day before or there is a celebrity at a booth for that day only. Saturday night is also when there are after parties. I've heard bad reviews in regard to the official con after party, so try for ones thrown by the nearby hotels or con attendees. 

Sunday is when everyone is worn out from the big bang of Saturday and its after parties. It is a good day to chat with other cosplayers because everyone is more relaxed. It's also a good day to take one last look in the vendor hall because, well, it's your last chance to grab that darn cat in a pink pig suit! It's also a good day to reflect on the fun you've had and how you could have even more fun next time. So whip out that planner, a sketch pad, and start making more friendly connections because your first con won't be your last if you've kept the most important thing in mind: It's all about having fun.

Yummy Yummy Quinoa (Vegan/Vegetarian)

I love eating this by itself but I'm sure it'll be delectable if you add in some okra to your veggie mix in addition to leafy greens.

Ingredients:

quinoa (any kind!)

water

vegetable bullion (and/or spices-- have fun with the flavors!)

olive oil

peppers (sweet bells and hot ones are awesome!)

onions

cooked/frozen white beans (or another bean of your choice)

garlic

[how much you'll need veggie wise is determined if you are making this as a meal or a side. I love to just go ahead and do quite a bit]

Helpful notes: 

Keep to the ratio of 1 Cup Quinoa to 2 Cups water. Don't be stingy with the water, you'll need it.

Remember, quinoa expands quite a bit.

Directions:

Rinse your quinoa.

The only way this is actually possible without losing half the seeds is to use paper towels (or a fresh clean dish towel) and a colander. Set the towel(s) down in an even layer so as not to let anything slip out. Hold the edges of the towels as you pour running water over the seeds.

Let them sit for a bit then, hold the towel over and in the pot you will be using to cook. Use the water you are going to actually cook with, wash the quinoa off the towels and into the pot.

Add your bullion cube and/or spices. Bring to a simmer and cover.

Cook your quinoa on low heat for 15-20 minutes (I prefer 20 minutes but keep an eye on it).

While that's cooking, cut up your onions, peppers, and garlic. Toss it all together with the beans in a frying pan with olive oil. If the beans aren't frozen, you can put them in closer to when your veggies are done.

When your quinoa is done, turn off the heat. [The seeds should be very soft (Alex says like mashed potatoes). If they are still tough, add a little water and let them cook longer.]

Stir it up with a wooden, not slated spoon. Add in your veggies, add a little oil to keep it all from sticking. Add salt & pepper and more spices if you like!  

The Dishes May Get Dirty

I recently came into the thought of how am I ever going to get all of this done? and realized the answer: I never will. No matter what we do the dishes will always get dirty again, the floor will need to be swept, and the crafty projects will keep coming.
My way to happiness and peace? Let the dishes be dirty sometimes. You aren't the only one who can wash them and, if you are, there shouldn't be that many and they can wait for a day while you take care of other priorities.
You all know I truly enjoy cooking so eating out all the time is out of the question. The key to making it work: if you have time to sit on your bum and just watch Chopped reruns, you have time to wash the dishes. Even if it's not all of them, do some.
When the chaos of everyday responsibilities engulfs me I clear my mind and let this list ring gently in my ears. The point of it is not to complete the tasks but to follow Set a Timer when considering all aspects of your day. There truly is a weight to the immortal To Do List but when you just devote yourself individually when you can, let the rest go.
If you have important work to do, do that, then take a break and wash a couple dishes to clear your mind.

"Rake the leaves. You'll never finish for good but you'll learn the point of pointlessness."

Live Your Dream

Happy New Year everyone! It's the year of the sheep!

Some of you may already know that I am a sheep (because quite a few of you are sheep yourselves). Apparently this is going to be our year to push forward and take a big step towards our aspirations. I'm very considerate of the sources on Elephant Journal in this regard but I can honestly feel that all the positive forecasts and such are for real. I've been feeling so many good vibes and I know I probably sound crazy to some of you but the energy around sheep(at least for me) this year is just ripe for change and making but strides towards goals. 

For my western new year resolution I sent out a lot of positive energy and wishes of happiness for all. I did not foresee all the magic of my hopes and wishes for others to come back to me so quickly, becoming my own fuel for courage and love. 

Here I am again, during the eastern new year this time, sending out all the love I can muster to friends and strangers alike (from all signs of the zodiac). We are here to love and I want you to know that I honor this purpose. 

If you are ever in need, I am here. 

Go out and experience what the world has to offer. Drink up the wonder that is all around you. May nothing scare you from sincere aspirations. It may not happen now but know that was does happen now is a lesson or experience leading up to your hopes. You are in control of your destiny. 

Go live your dreams. 

Don Season and Resolving Last Year's Karmic Build

With January gone, western New Year resolutions ringing in our ears, and Valentine's Day kicked to the curb, we find that writing the year 2015 on papers to be just as easy as writing 2014. Yet with this time leading up to the eastern New Year my life has been a whirlwind. I got my period early this month and have come to the realization that I've lacked mindfulness and attention to some important aspects of my relationships. Then it occurred to me that this wasn't the first time I've gotten my period early among other conflicts. 

As a rather avid reader of Elephant Journal, I came across this article on don season (pronounced doan) and I realized that maybe some concepts we think are mumbo jumbo are actually legit. Don season is a time for karmic energies to come to fruition. I don't believe that the occurrences during this don season are from past lives but it seems very likely that it's all the stress and conflicts built up from the past year. It doesn't all resonate during the western new year because it's surrounded by frill and fluff of the western society we live in. When all that calms down and you settle back into regular days, it gives things that have been made obscure by holiday cheer a chance to rise up. 

I've looked deeper into it and I actually agree. 

Parts of your life that seemed to be going fine with just a little challenge actually require necessary attention. While don season is a time for all the negative energy built up to make an appearance, it's also a good time to resolve conflict. 

So, now that I know, and it's all been put into light, I can take a firm step towards resolution.

Big decisions are coming up, but it's best to let this one last day go before finalizing what you think you want/ need to do. 

Spring is coming and it's time to clean house. 

Here's to fixing up your short-term karma and letting go of anything that doesn't serve you.

Take a deep breath.

Hope & Dream Then Release Your Wishes Into the World

You know how most people see astrology as garbage? I used to think the same. I'm not saying all astrology is accurate to the -T nor do I go straight to the astrology page of the paper on a regular basis.
I usually pass it by and close the paper but on the few occasions that I do give it a read, I find some of the best advice and forethought.
There's a saying that you are your own worst critic but you are also your best motivator. This is the reason I believe I find so much help in the horoscopes of the paper.
This week mine (Sagittarius) says "'If you have built castles in the air , your work need not be lost ; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them' That may seem like a backward way to approach the building process. But I think this approach is more likely to work for you than it is for any other sign of the zodiac. And now is an excellent time to attend to such a task"
What have I taken away from this? I want to become a yoga instructor. I need to make the detailed dreams and plans now. If I want anything to happen, I must realize the energy I feel inside into the world around me. Release your hopes and dreams into the world so that they may become the reality you experience.